Low road

Feeling emotional. I often wonder would it not be easier to just die? Then I wouldn't have to deal with all of these emotions. Complex relationships and feelings of emptyness and isolation.

I dont know how to make this better.

Much love

Panda Girl 2
xxxxxx

Premium blade and golden tounges.

I'm paranoid and depressed. About what I cannot say. This is news to me.

Those words cut deep. So I cut deeper. Deeper than ever before. Could actually see the layers of skin: weird.

No, it isn't his fault. I was the one holding the blade. His words hurt me, I chose how to let them effect me. I am weak.

I may not have given up everything for him. But I gave up what I knew, all that I had.

Its my own fault.

its hard to escape the past

Working where I do, reading what I read and seeing what I see in my everyday job is hard. It makes it hard to put what happened behind me, extremely hard, but in a weird way it has also made me thankful that what happened was not worse. Well I assume it was not worse. I can only remember parts. Its like my head doesn't want me to remember. Its all fuzzy when I try, which is few and far between admittedly but only for reassurance that it wasn't as bad as it could of been.

I am struggling with this at the moment. I find myself wanting to go running most evenings, as I only usually do when im extremely upset. However I have taken to walking to and from work instead which is about a 2 mile round trip. It gives me time to think, expell energy and give me a release. A much better release than self harming does. I've told people its to get fit and save money, which albeit is true, its only half of the reason.

So far it seems to be working. I feel myself getting back into the negative cycle. Its easier to pull myself out of it than it was before, for reasons unknown. I am happy most of the time, I do miss my family terribly though. Its hard being away from my sister, she's the one I miss the most, we are very close. Probably because of our mum, not a good reason but because she left I feel like I've had to take on her role of looking after my siblings. I may mot have cooked everynight or did the washing ECT as my nan likes to continually rub in our faces, but I have fiercely protected them. More my sister than my brother. I do resent her for that. I feel like I've had to fill in where she has failed to protect us as a mother. When I found out what had happened to my sister I also found out my mother knew we had been through similar experiences but had tried to stop us telling each other. She'd known for years. When I found out I confronted the accused. It nay not have been explosive or threatening, but it was the single most terrifying moment of my life. Afterwards I cried. I felt empowered. In that moment I knew I would do anything for her, that I could do anything for her. I feel like that should have been ny mum, years ago when she found out about both of us.

When I told her what I done she just said "thank you for being braver than I ever could" since then we have had a rocky relationship. On the surface it looks normal, we laugh talk alot but underneath its complicated. On her side guilt and on mine love hate and resentment.

Its a weird feeling loving and hating someone. I have no feelings towards the accused. Wouldn't shed a tear if they died. Would feel relief I suppose.

Ok I lied.. Without meaning to! I hate the accused, but not because of what they did to me, because of what they have done to my family. For making us subject to that distinct fear of being alone with them. Its like nothing else I have ever known. Burning every muscle in my body, urging me to run, screaming, but at the same time rooting firmly to the spot, making escape impossible.

This haunts my dreams.

Panda Girl 2

xxxxx

Dealing with myself...

Sometimes I find it hard to deal with my own emotions. All of a sudden I have these feelings running around after each other and my stomach goes all queasy... Not sure why; it is hard to try to controll, its not a nice feeling at all. Especially if not addressed as it can give me stomach pains and have other effects that do not need details... Every time I feel like im going to lose him or he has lost interest in me it feels like my heart will fall out of ny butt, with all of my other appendeges.

Im having a hard time with the fact that he could hurt me if he wanted to, I dreamt last night that he did - punched me in the back of my head after "rescuing" me from my ex...

I guess im just not an easy person to keep happy; im too paranoid and distrustful of people. Every relationship I have has ebded in disappointment, except for my two sisters. Not that I love my brother any less than them, but we have grown distant these past two years.

I can put these bad relationships down to the two most influential relationships I had growing up, both of which should have been nurturing but in reality were the complete opposite, leaving me kind of emotionally damaged; my mum and my paternal nan.

My mother and I will always have a strained relationship as I feel she has done little on.tje way of taking care of my siblings and I and is always using her own needs before theirs.

My nan and I don't even have a relationship. She is still not talking to me despite me approaching her and offering the olive branch over 2 year period. Even though when applying for uni she said "its a pie in the sky dream" guess what I came top of my class, did a masters and now applying for a PhD.

Everything I have been through has made me strong, independent and determined. Sometimes I may feel and act broken, but these are only blips. When I think of everything I have been through and everything I have achieved, I actually feel quite proud of myself. A rarity I can tell you...

But it has also hardened me to everything else. For example I now work around people who have committed a crime and are being punished for it. This has made me lose faith in the system many times over and I also read alot of cases where a rough childhood has been blamed for the offending and I always think "no excuse". Because although I hate to think of myself as a victim, that's what I was all of those years ago. I couldn't do much about it at the time, but now I choose to be something else, to make more of myself, to live my life how I want. It is always a choice. You can let that person ruin your life or you can fight back. That is the sweetest vengence.

Panda Girl 2
Xxxx

*Enter overly dramatic title here*

So I had a pretty good christmas, in fact it was near on perfect! My problem is me. I don't like to be happy and now i'm starting to doubt what I want, well I know what I want but I am questioning whether it will make me truly happy and if so, am I really happy now? I'm so confused: I go from being head over heels to wanting to leave and never come back in the blink of an eye. Today all I have wanted to do was sit in a ball and cry. 

The last few nights I have tried, as hard as I can to remember what my nan said to me on christmas morning when I called her after finding out my granddad had died on christmas eve. It must have really hurt because try as I might I cannot pull up the exact phrasing she used. All I can remember is staring at the "FY" on the "GOOFY" phone asking myself if this was actually happening, was she actually saying these things to me moments after finding out my Granddad had died? I know she was grieving but what she said to me was down right cruel. I just remember saying "ok, I have to go," hanging up and bursting into tears, much to my mum's dismay, she didn't know what to do, I remember her calling my dad to tell him what happened and it was an extremely awkward conversation, with me balling my eyes out in the background. I remember wanting to know why she wasn't comforting me as I badly wanted to comfort her, I still don't know why she was so cruel to me. She is a very selfish being, always turning the situation around to make herself the centre of attention, taking the focus of the fact that my Granddad had passed, she couldn't even let him have that moment. One thing I can never forgive her for.

We still don't talk.

Back to the issues at hand. I am clearly just emotionally retarded. I am scared of feeling too much :( I am just so insecure, its all my problem, I am not normal and its moments like these that I hate myself, feel like it would be easier to just be dead.

Top it all off I have a fear I'm infertile. Go me! I just get better and better -_-

Im going to take a safe assumption that this is a low point.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
x

Mood music

Up for the fight?

Fall

Now the dark begins to rise

Save your breath, it's far from over

Leave the lost and dead behind

Now's your chance to run for cover

I don't want to change the world

I just wanna leave it colder

Light the fuse and burn it up

Take the path that leads to nowhere

All is lost again

But I'm not giving in

I will not bow

I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall

I will not fade

I will take your breath away

Fall

Watch the end through dying eyes

Now the dark is taking over

Show me where forever dies

Take the fall and run to Heaven

All is lost again

But I'm not giving in

I will not bow

I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall

I will not fade

I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid

I have lost the will to change

And I am not proud, cold-blooded fake

I will shut the world away

Open your eyes!

I will not bow

I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall

I will not fade

I will take your breath away

And I'll survive; paranoid

I have lost the will to change

And I am not proud, cold-blooded fake

I will shut the world away

Fall!

More mellow?

Take a breath
Hold it in
Start a fight
You won't win

Had enough?
Lets begin
Never mind
I don't care

All in all,
You're no good
You don't cry
Like you should

Let it go
If you could
When love dies
In the end

So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick, twisted smile
As I lie underneath
Your cold, jaded eyes

Now you turned the tide on me
'Cuz you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life

Here we go
Does it hurt?
Say goodbye
To this world

I will not
Be undone
Come to life
It gets worse

All in all,
You're no good
You don't cry
Like you should

I'll be gone
When you fall
Your sad life
Says it all

So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick, twisted smile
As I lie underneath
Your cold, jaded eyes

Now you turned the tide on me
'Cuz you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life

Don't carry me under
You're the devil in disguise

God, sing for the hopeless
I'm the one you left behind

So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick, twisted smile
As I lie underneath
Your cold, jaded eyes

Now you turned the tide on me
'Cuz you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life

I feel like it is coming back. I feel like I want to self harm again. This is so stupid I was doing so well. This is just from stress. Gotta get through it I suppose.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxx