So today I got upset with my bf. It was a night out for a friend's birthday. I really did have fun and enjoyed the night as a whole. But things just aren't right between me and my bf, I'm not sure what or why. It does break my heart, but at the same time, frustrates me to no end. Tonight all he did was be a little distant with me. This was enough to put a downer on parts of the evening for me. I HATE how much of an influence his behaviour has on my mood. It isn't normal and whenever I get upset about stuff like this I always feel like the 'crazy bitchy girlfriend' its not me.

It annoys me how I can be so happy,then switch suddenly to unhappy in the blink of an eye because of something that has been said, yet it takes me ages to get from sad back to happy. It is so up and down. My bf has taken to not actually saying anything nice to me, he thinks its all banter, but when thats all a person says to you, it becomes tiresome and in all honesty down right rude. But one day we were talking about how I love everything in my life exponentially. He argued I did and I argued I didn't. I asked him for an example of something that was in my life that I didn't love. "straight away he said *** the one name that is guaranteed to bring back instant childhood memories, give me nightmares and generally put me in a bad and unsociable mood. It just seemed so cruel, to use an obvious wound and use it like that, it wasn't even an argument  just a discussion. It felt like he wanted to hurt me and that was why he had said it.

I read things wrong, everything comes across wrong. I know that. He knows that. He knows that I know that. I am trying to fix it (went to see my GP about cognitive behavioural therapy) but  I can't help my feelings and how my emotions run. I just wish he would be more sensitive to these issues.

I wish I was someone else.

Moral of the story?
Wishing is not enough, you have to actively seek change.


Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx