Trust: destined not have any

So I genuinely feel that no matter who I am with, who I fall in love with, I will always have trust issues, maybe not right away, but sooner or later I will find it hard to trust them, because they give me one small reason and I can't recover.

I am not blind to see that this is a two way street.  Because of the way things have happened in the past I find it hard to trust people; with the thing we don't mention, with my mum leaving, with my dad and his girlfriend and with my ex. I've grown up with the people closest to me ending up hurting me, beyond repair, to the point that I can't trust them, I always feel second best and never good enough.

When my mum left, I felt completely abandoned. I spoke about it a few days ago and realised I had tears in my eyes and had to stop myself from crying; my Mum left 12 years ago. 12 years and the emotion is still raw sometimes. When my mum says she has to apologise again for it (usually in conversation) I can't bring myself to say "I forgive you", because I can't, I just say "it's in the past" and hope that she will leave it there because I don't want to hurt her by saying I can't forgive, I just want the awkward moment to pass. But it still hurts, she has said, multiple times, that she didn't leave us (my siblings and I) but I can't help but feel the opposite, she chose a man over us. She chose someone else over her children, we weren't enough for her. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to, I just hardened to not let anyone else hurt me. The two people who have hurt me most have also helped protect me; I know that no one can hurt me as much as they did. If I can live through what they did to me, I can sure as hell work through anything else that gets thrown my way. The only thing that annoys me now about my mum is the stance she has taken on helping me (or my siblings) financially. Don't get me wrong, I don't care about money, I've always been brought up with family values being more important (i just realised the irony...) than money. It just annoys me when I have nothing (there have been weeks where I have not been able to go food shopping) and my mum says she cannot afford to help me, but when I visit, there are TVs in every room, a playstation 3 with a massive (and I mean big) pile of games, an iPad, laptop, computer and the most recent addition; mini helicopters (yes, multiple) for my stepdad to play on. Clearly she could afford to help me, just didn't want to. Which is fine, I have rarely asked for help financially, more the "suffer in silence type" and pretend everything is ok. I just wish she was honest about it. The same with my dad when he says the same thing, but then goes on a holiday her there and everywhere a few times a year. I would never deny my family those luxuries, it's their money, they've earned it so they deserve to treat themselves, just be honest about helping me. 

My dad is another trust thing, when mum left he was all I had. Then his gf came along, nice at first, I really liked her, we spent time together often and got on. Then something seemed to change, I don't know why, she just seem to hate us (my siblings and I) and put on a show for my dad, pretending to be nice ect. and then switching when he wasn't around. She would get us nice presents for christmas and pay for half of our holidays, but I have always felt that it was just for show, for my dad, never because she wanted to make us happy, she wanted to make him happy. When my younger sister said she was going to live with my mum (107 miles away) I ran upstairs crying, his gf came up sat with me on the floor and said "no matter how much I love you kids, you will never be mine". That has been the only moment she has ever been nice to me one on one. When she was vile to us, Dad usually sided with her and more recently told me that he would side with whoever was bitching about it less. So it didn't matter what was done or said. 

My ex well, read previous posts. I was miserable because I didn't and couldn't trust him. There is no relationship without trust. I find it extremely hard to trust again once I feel like it has been broken. It eats away at me. I become someone I am not.

Which brings me to the real reason for this post. I accidentally found something not for my eyes on my bfs computer (I seriously mean accident - I can't work a mac to save my life, I'm not even sure how I got it up, I was trying to find a friends dissertation chapter) and even though it is not cheating or anything like that, it is making me doubt everything. I was so set on moving here to be with him, but this morning when I saw and got upset, I wanted to run, but I had no where to go, my train home is booked specifically for sunday. I was extremely close to just getting the train to my mums. I felt sick to my stomach and just wanted to be anywhere but here. 

I have not felt like this in such a long time, it really is painful. I just feel a mess at the moment. I can feel the metaphorical shutters being slammed down, to not let him in anymore or any further. 

Panda Girl 2
xxx

The Cringe Reel

Usually when I worry about something (money, diss, family, boyfriend) and I'm trying to drift off to sleep my head decides it will make it harder for me to drift off to sleep by playing what I call the Cringe Reel; made up of my most embarrassing, tit like moments, on loop in my head. It gets me so worked up that I'm restless and sleep is impossible. I have been trying to get into this routine of not doing this but I just seem so wide awake when I decide it's time to sleep. I get very worked up I get hot and flustered. 

Just can't wait to finish this masters course. I am so much looking forward to not having to worry about my diss, the hotel, money, time, moving, fitting a personal life into the little amount of time I have in my life right now.  The night I hand my dissertation in will be the best night sleep I get probably since this time last year. This year has been so intense and a lot harder than I anticipated.

At the moment I am trying to focus on what I want after I have finished, a job, to be living with my boyfriend and to be happy :) it is what is getting me through this tough time. Its so nice to get on with his family so well, they are lovely and are so lovely to me, its such a nice change from the last one, I now realise I did not have the problem there, she was just unhinged... I am looking forward to spending more time with them when I next see them, especially his almost sister-in-law who has invited me to possibly go to a wedding fayre! I have never been to one so am curious as to what it is; a posher version of a farmers market maybe? Would be nice to see everything I guess, I have not really thought about what I would want for my wedding since I was a lot younger. 

When I was younger and wanted to be a fashion designer I used to draw different wedding dresses, not always necessarily for me, but the one I always drew for me had a fitted bodice with lace, the lace reaching up to my neckline and part way down my arms and the skirt was an A-line with the lace again. A few of my friends have asked me recently what I would want and to be honest I have absolutely no idea!! Something that flatters my figure, possibly something with an empire line, lace of course, in off-white or ivory with gold highlights. Not sure if I would suit pearls, but if I did I would like warm coloured pearls - gold or rose tinged, with white and gold flowers. I would like a lillies somewhere, even if they represent death (I think) but they were my Granddad's favourite flower (as well as mine, close to roses) and he is very dear to my heart. I can think of nothing worse than getting married in a straight up and down building, want to get married somewhere quirky that has character, is unique and beautiful. I used to want to get married in the church my parents were married in, but I think it would upset a few people :/

Bet you are thinking for someone that has not thought about it there is a lot of detail! Haha, I think that now too, but when people ask me I always feel on the spot! Oh well!

Don't know why I'm talking weddings, not even engaged! I like to think that it will end in marriage at some point, seeing as we have spoken about trying for a baby once we're settled and stuff, would be nice to have the same name I guess, marriage is less of a big deal for me than having a baby. I mean both are a big deal, but with marriage if it doesn't work you can just walk away (not that I plan or want to!) it still hurts but it just affects the two people involved, whereas bringing a child into the world, if it doesn't work, there is no do-over. You are responsible for that little life for the rest of your life, it bonds you with someone in a way nothing else can. If you screw up they suffer too. That scares me.

So now I feel a lot more relaxed and a little sleepy again, think I've tired myself out so am going to watch some trashy TV and fall asleep.

Blogging makes me feel a lot better, even if no one reads me! :P

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx