From ripples to tidal waves

The one thing that has always annoyed me about myself is how much I let my mood change based on my significant other's actions. Don't particularly want to air the details, but tonight I tried my best to create a romantic gesture, long story short had to back out last minute and hide the evidence. I don't really know the word for how I feel, not upset, not angry, maybe a little bit put out I guess, confused any way and I feel that the way I feel is more than I should feel, if that makes sense? If I was to use the word upset for how I feel, I feel I am more upset than I ought to be. But I'm not upset..

Ok, confusing myself now..

I know he feels bad, think he thinks I'm mad at him. Just feel a bit embarrassed I guess. 

I just hate how much I don't take control of my feelings. This is why I ended up in a bad place all those months ago, I just couldn't pull myself out of feeling sad, thinking about everything and people who had wronged me in my life. It is such an unhealthy way to be, its how I worked my way into that unhappy person I used to be. Everytime I find myself feeling sad and feel it's more than I should feel, I worry that I will end up working my way back into that cycle of feeling down so thinking about the things that had gone wrong in my life, so feeling worse and it just continuing until I feel trapped and need to make myself feel better, end up cutting or something. It's a terrifying feeling, almost scared of myself. But it's an issue I need to sort out myself, not put on others.

I am not sure how I worked myself out of this cycle, I have no doubt about it that a large part of this was due to two very special people in my life, both beginning with K (if either of you read this, you know I'm talking about you!) that helped me do it. I have no intention of going back to the way I was, but I know they'd always be there for me.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

U Turn

Not sure why, but I feel like I have done a complete U turn from how I was feeling this morning. Now I feel deflated, beaten and just fed up. Not even sure why.

I hate this, feels like one minutes i'm up and one minute I'm down. I don't understand how I can change mood so quickly. It scares me sometimes. This is a hard fight; just makes me want to fight harder.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2

xxxxx

I could be the one

A few evenings ago, my boyfriend told me that he didn't believe in soul mates but knew I was the one. I know what he means and to anyone looking in, they must think "cute young love" and not really regard it much more than that. But it has never felt more real. I have had a few boyfriends, not many whom I've slept with, but knowing all the problems I had in those relationships and now, not comparing them, but finally feeling like I click completely with someone. That we are really a perfect match, finally found my one :)

He is just everything I want in a man, I wouldn't change a single thing about him, he's perfect. He does these little sentimental things, I have been keeping a happy jar since January (write on little notes things that have made you happy) I'm quite lucky in the timing of it to be honest, it has recorded how our relationship has developed. He suggested we make it into a little scrap book. It's like me, but male, he likes doing little things for me, I've never had someone treat me so well, he treats me like his everything.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2 

xxxxx

Post storm in a teacup

Yesterday we agreed to move in together, like as soon as I move, not eventually. I'm so happy. Everything I was scared of seems to be a distant memory. 

Things with university however are becoming difficult. It makes me feel as though everything would be easier if I was dead. Don't worry I'm not suicidal. Nor am I depressed. These are thoughts of complete clarity and sobriety. Emotionless almost. Of course everything would be easier if the person in question was dead, no worries, no fears, no problems. But then you wouldn't get to experience living, the small things that bring a smile to my face, walking barefoot in the grass, having the warm sea washing around my ankles, the sun on my shoulders or feeling the sea breeze carry my problems away and the bigger feelings, pride when I see my sister marching in a parade, the smile on the love of my life's face when he looks at me, the feeling of holding him close and the feeling of satisfaction when my dad tells me how proud he is of me. See, even though I feel like it would be easier if I died, I think of all the things I have to live for, my family, my friends, those moments.

If  I ever get scared about the future again, this will be what I try to think about. 

Much Love,

Panda Girl 2 
xxx