Light at the end of the tunnel

So it has been a very long time since I last posted anything. Masters is so much work, so I haven't been able to find the time to post on here. Sorry!

So much has happened. The social services are still intervening, but I don't know any details. That's a bit worrying. Things with my mum are strained. I told her I didn't want anymore contact, she agreed that was best and hung up the phone. Later telling my sister that she would make me out to be a liar if she needed to, to keep from this getting out. Lovely supportive mother right? So on that front I'm pretty much done with her. We still talk (I want to still be able to speak to my sister) but its forced and strained.

My nan still isnt speaking to me over the graduation in june. Her and my sister have since made up, which I'm happy about. I want more than anything for her to be happy. What kind of sister would I be if I didn't? My nan rang my dad's house to speak to him. I answered the phone. She hung up. She hates me so much she cant even ask to speak to dad. Wow.

My brother, well that's just a train wreck. Things were strained before I went home for christmas, then we spoke a bit, I bought him a beautiful watch for his 21st birthday, engraved and everything. Didn't see him after his birthday. Didn't see him before I came back to uni. Got an angry phone call when I had a guy friend over the night before I was due to return to uni (he was my first boyfriend, but that was 7 years ago. Now we are just really really good friends) my brother started kicking off about him being there. No idea why. They've never spoken angry words, he didnt treat me badly when we were together, so I genuinely have no idea what his problem was. We haven't spoken since.

The (ex)boyfriend. He wanted to go on a break to get with someone else. We went on a break he got with her, I found out, I ended it. Worst thing about it was she was a 'friend' found out during our rough period when I had been confiding in her she had been going back to him and telling him everything I had said. He said she told him she liked him but asked that it didn't change anything. Why would you tell someone you liked them unless you wanted something to change?!? She also knew the whole social services details and exactly why it was going on. I asked her advice, again thinking she was a friend. Guess not because it feels like she went behind my back, used all the problems I was having as a way to get to him. He's lied to me through his back teeth though, never thought I would end up hating him. Surprisingly I'm not that upset about it all. More upset at her than him, at the betrayal rather than the loss.

Since we have been apart it has become very clear that the relationship was over a very long time ago. So it feels like I'm over it. I know I am. I haven't cried over it and I definitely do not want him back. I've moved on.

And I am so much happier for it. No mood swings, just a warm fuzzy feeling inside. I've met someone. We started seeing each other before Christmas. He is such an amazing sweet guy, I can't believe how lucky I am.  I think he is a bit dubious because of me only just getting out of a relationship, but he likes me, we've been on a few dates and spoken a lot over the holidays. He rang me a few times. I really like him, scared to tell people because I don't want them to think he is a rebound.  He's perfect :)

Not much else is going on in my life at the moment.


Moral of the Story?
When god closes a door he opens a window. Just don't spend too long looking at the door!

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Sh*teth have hitteth the fan-eth.. .

I have been having counseling since returning to university. Once a week. I always cried and felt like I was really getting somewhere. Opening up to someone in so much detail. SO MUCH DETAIL. Last week she told me she believed my sister to be at risk and would have to tell social services.

*CUE COMPLETE AND UTTER CARNAGE*

Mum didnt want to speak to me, Step Dad was even more unimpressed. Just felt like my whole world was crumbling around me.

 In all honesty; it still feels like this.

Pandora's box has been opened

First Counselling session, abuse and more abuse.

Had my first counseling session. Reaslised  that the majority or relationships in my life are abusive. Maybe not directly but I always feel as though I am the one who has to be responsible. Because no one else will.

Sometimes, I feel like the parent.

New Me.

So its been almost a week since moving back to university. I am loving it! Although I have had a few incidents where the freedom has gone to my head - got very drunk with some friends the other night. Felt it for days afterwards!

So far life is pretty awesome