*Enter overly dramatic title here*

So I had a pretty good christmas, in fact it was near on perfect! My problem is me. I don't like to be happy and now i'm starting to doubt what I want, well I know what I want but I am questioning whether it will make me truly happy and if so, am I really happy now? I'm so confused: I go from being head over heels to wanting to leave and never come back in the blink of an eye. Today all I have wanted to do was sit in a ball and cry. 

The last few nights I have tried, as hard as I can to remember what my nan said to me on christmas morning when I called her after finding out my granddad had died on christmas eve. It must have really hurt because try as I might I cannot pull up the exact phrasing she used. All I can remember is staring at the "FY" on the "GOOFY" phone asking myself if this was actually happening, was she actually saying these things to me moments after finding out my Granddad had died? I know she was grieving but what she said to me was down right cruel. I just remember saying "ok, I have to go," hanging up and bursting into tears, much to my mum's dismay, she didn't know what to do, I remember her calling my dad to tell him what happened and it was an extremely awkward conversation, with me balling my eyes out in the background. I remember wanting to know why she wasn't comforting me as I badly wanted to comfort her, I still don't know why she was so cruel to me. She is a very selfish being, always turning the situation around to make herself the centre of attention, taking the focus of the fact that my Granddad had passed, she couldn't even let him have that moment. One thing I can never forgive her for.

We still don't talk.

Back to the issues at hand. I am clearly just emotionally retarded. I am scared of feeling too much :( I am just so insecure, its all my problem, I am not normal and its moments like these that I hate myself, feel like it would be easier to just be dead.

Top it all off I have a fear I'm infertile. Go me! I just get better and better -_-

Im going to take a safe assumption that this is a low point.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
x

Mood music

Up for the fight?

Fall

Now the dark begins to rise

Save your breath, it's far from over

Leave the lost and dead behind

Now's your chance to run for cover

I don't want to change the world

I just wanna leave it colder

Light the fuse and burn it up

Take the path that leads to nowhere

All is lost again

But I'm not giving in

I will not bow

I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall

I will not fade

I will take your breath away

Fall

Watch the end through dying eyes

Now the dark is taking over

Show me where forever dies

Take the fall and run to Heaven

All is lost again

But I'm not giving in

I will not bow

I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall

I will not fade

I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid

I have lost the will to change

And I am not proud, cold-blooded fake

I will shut the world away

Open your eyes!

I will not bow

I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall

I will not fade

I will take your breath away

And I'll survive; paranoid

I have lost the will to change

And I am not proud, cold-blooded fake

I will shut the world away

Fall!

More mellow?

Take a breath
Hold it in
Start a fight
You won't win

Had enough?
Lets begin
Never mind
I don't care

All in all,
You're no good
You don't cry
Like you should

Let it go
If you could
When love dies
In the end

So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick, twisted smile
As I lie underneath
Your cold, jaded eyes

Now you turned the tide on me
'Cuz you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life

Here we go
Does it hurt?
Say goodbye
To this world

I will not
Be undone
Come to life
It gets worse

All in all,
You're no good
You don't cry
Like you should

I'll be gone
When you fall
Your sad life
Says it all

So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick, twisted smile
As I lie underneath
Your cold, jaded eyes

Now you turned the tide on me
'Cuz you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life

Don't carry me under
You're the devil in disguise

God, sing for the hopeless
I'm the one you left behind

So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick, twisted smile
As I lie underneath
Your cold, jaded eyes

Now you turned the tide on me
'Cuz you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life

I feel like it is coming back. I feel like I want to self harm again. This is so stupid I was doing so well. This is just from stress. Gotta get through it I suppose.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxx

Trust: destined not have any

So I genuinely feel that no matter who I am with, who I fall in love with, I will always have trust issues, maybe not right away, but sooner or later I will find it hard to trust them, because they give me one small reason and I can't recover.

I am not blind to see that this is a two way street.  Because of the way things have happened in the past I find it hard to trust people; with the thing we don't mention, with my mum leaving, with my dad and his girlfriend and with my ex. I've grown up with the people closest to me ending up hurting me, beyond repair, to the point that I can't trust them, I always feel second best and never good enough.

When my mum left, I felt completely abandoned. I spoke about it a few days ago and realised I had tears in my eyes and had to stop myself from crying; my Mum left 12 years ago. 12 years and the emotion is still raw sometimes. When my mum says she has to apologise again for it (usually in conversation) I can't bring myself to say "I forgive you", because I can't, I just say "it's in the past" and hope that she will leave it there because I don't want to hurt her by saying I can't forgive, I just want the awkward moment to pass. But it still hurts, she has said, multiple times, that she didn't leave us (my siblings and I) but I can't help but feel the opposite, she chose a man over us. She chose someone else over her children, we weren't enough for her. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to, I just hardened to not let anyone else hurt me. The two people who have hurt me most have also helped protect me; I know that no one can hurt me as much as they did. If I can live through what they did to me, I can sure as hell work through anything else that gets thrown my way. The only thing that annoys me now about my mum is the stance she has taken on helping me (or my siblings) financially. Don't get me wrong, I don't care about money, I've always been brought up with family values being more important (i just realised the irony...) than money. It just annoys me when I have nothing (there have been weeks where I have not been able to go food shopping) and my mum says she cannot afford to help me, but when I visit, there are TVs in every room, a playstation 3 with a massive (and I mean big) pile of games, an iPad, laptop, computer and the most recent addition; mini helicopters (yes, multiple) for my stepdad to play on. Clearly she could afford to help me, just didn't want to. Which is fine, I have rarely asked for help financially, more the "suffer in silence type" and pretend everything is ok. I just wish she was honest about it. The same with my dad when he says the same thing, but then goes on a holiday her there and everywhere a few times a year. I would never deny my family those luxuries, it's their money, they've earned it so they deserve to treat themselves, just be honest about helping me. 

My dad is another trust thing, when mum left he was all I had. Then his gf came along, nice at first, I really liked her, we spent time together often and got on. Then something seemed to change, I don't know why, she just seem to hate us (my siblings and I) and put on a show for my dad, pretending to be nice ect. and then switching when he wasn't around. She would get us nice presents for christmas and pay for half of our holidays, but I have always felt that it was just for show, for my dad, never because she wanted to make us happy, she wanted to make him happy. When my younger sister said she was going to live with my mum (107 miles away) I ran upstairs crying, his gf came up sat with me on the floor and said "no matter how much I love you kids, you will never be mine". That has been the only moment she has ever been nice to me one on one. When she was vile to us, Dad usually sided with her and more recently told me that he would side with whoever was bitching about it less. So it didn't matter what was done or said. 

My ex well, read previous posts. I was miserable because I didn't and couldn't trust him. There is no relationship without trust. I find it extremely hard to trust again once I feel like it has been broken. It eats away at me. I become someone I am not.

Which brings me to the real reason for this post. I accidentally found something not for my eyes on my bfs computer (I seriously mean accident - I can't work a mac to save my life, I'm not even sure how I got it up, I was trying to find a friends dissertation chapter) and even though it is not cheating or anything like that, it is making me doubt everything. I was so set on moving here to be with him, but this morning when I saw and got upset, I wanted to run, but I had no where to go, my train home is booked specifically for sunday. I was extremely close to just getting the train to my mums. I felt sick to my stomach and just wanted to be anywhere but here. 

I have not felt like this in such a long time, it really is painful. I just feel a mess at the moment. I can feel the metaphorical shutters being slammed down, to not let him in anymore or any further. 

Panda Girl 2
xxx

The Cringe Reel

Usually when I worry about something (money, diss, family, boyfriend) and I'm trying to drift off to sleep my head decides it will make it harder for me to drift off to sleep by playing what I call the Cringe Reel; made up of my most embarrassing, tit like moments, on loop in my head. It gets me so worked up that I'm restless and sleep is impossible. I have been trying to get into this routine of not doing this but I just seem so wide awake when I decide it's time to sleep. I get very worked up I get hot and flustered. 

Just can't wait to finish this masters course. I am so much looking forward to not having to worry about my diss, the hotel, money, time, moving, fitting a personal life into the little amount of time I have in my life right now.  The night I hand my dissertation in will be the best night sleep I get probably since this time last year. This year has been so intense and a lot harder than I anticipated.

At the moment I am trying to focus on what I want after I have finished, a job, to be living with my boyfriend and to be happy :) it is what is getting me through this tough time. Its so nice to get on with his family so well, they are lovely and are so lovely to me, its such a nice change from the last one, I now realise I did not have the problem there, she was just unhinged... I am looking forward to spending more time with them when I next see them, especially his almost sister-in-law who has invited me to possibly go to a wedding fayre! I have never been to one so am curious as to what it is; a posher version of a farmers market maybe? Would be nice to see everything I guess, I have not really thought about what I would want for my wedding since I was a lot younger. 

When I was younger and wanted to be a fashion designer I used to draw different wedding dresses, not always necessarily for me, but the one I always drew for me had a fitted bodice with lace, the lace reaching up to my neckline and part way down my arms and the skirt was an A-line with the lace again. A few of my friends have asked me recently what I would want and to be honest I have absolutely no idea!! Something that flatters my figure, possibly something with an empire line, lace of course, in off-white or ivory with gold highlights. Not sure if I would suit pearls, but if I did I would like warm coloured pearls - gold or rose tinged, with white and gold flowers. I would like a lillies somewhere, even if they represent death (I think) but they were my Granddad's favourite flower (as well as mine, close to roses) and he is very dear to my heart. I can think of nothing worse than getting married in a straight up and down building, want to get married somewhere quirky that has character, is unique and beautiful. I used to want to get married in the church my parents were married in, but I think it would upset a few people :/

Bet you are thinking for someone that has not thought about it there is a lot of detail! Haha, I think that now too, but when people ask me I always feel on the spot! Oh well!

Don't know why I'm talking weddings, not even engaged! I like to think that it will end in marriage at some point, seeing as we have spoken about trying for a baby once we're settled and stuff, would be nice to have the same name I guess, marriage is less of a big deal for me than having a baby. I mean both are a big deal, but with marriage if it doesn't work you can just walk away (not that I plan or want to!) it still hurts but it just affects the two people involved, whereas bringing a child into the world, if it doesn't work, there is no do-over. You are responsible for that little life for the rest of your life, it bonds you with someone in a way nothing else can. If you screw up they suffer too. That scares me.

So now I feel a lot more relaxed and a little sleepy again, think I've tired myself out so am going to watch some trashy TV and fall asleep.

Blogging makes me feel a lot better, even if no one reads me! :P

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

From ripples to tidal waves

The one thing that has always annoyed me about myself is how much I let my mood change based on my significant other's actions. Don't particularly want to air the details, but tonight I tried my best to create a romantic gesture, long story short had to back out last minute and hide the evidence. I don't really know the word for how I feel, not upset, not angry, maybe a little bit put out I guess, confused any way and I feel that the way I feel is more than I should feel, if that makes sense? If I was to use the word upset for how I feel, I feel I am more upset than I ought to be. But I'm not upset..

Ok, confusing myself now..

I know he feels bad, think he thinks I'm mad at him. Just feel a bit embarrassed I guess. 

I just hate how much I don't take control of my feelings. This is why I ended up in a bad place all those months ago, I just couldn't pull myself out of feeling sad, thinking about everything and people who had wronged me in my life. It is such an unhealthy way to be, its how I worked my way into that unhappy person I used to be. Everytime I find myself feeling sad and feel it's more than I should feel, I worry that I will end up working my way back into that cycle of feeling down so thinking about the things that had gone wrong in my life, so feeling worse and it just continuing until I feel trapped and need to make myself feel better, end up cutting or something. It's a terrifying feeling, almost scared of myself. But it's an issue I need to sort out myself, not put on others.

I am not sure how I worked myself out of this cycle, I have no doubt about it that a large part of this was due to two very special people in my life, both beginning with K (if either of you read this, you know I'm talking about you!) that helped me do it. I have no intention of going back to the way I was, but I know they'd always be there for me.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

U Turn

Not sure why, but I feel like I have done a complete U turn from how I was feeling this morning. Now I feel deflated, beaten and just fed up. Not even sure why.

I hate this, feels like one minutes i'm up and one minute I'm down. I don't understand how I can change mood so quickly. It scares me sometimes. This is a hard fight; just makes me want to fight harder.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2

xxxxx

I could be the one

A few evenings ago, my boyfriend told me that he didn't believe in soul mates but knew I was the one. I know what he means and to anyone looking in, they must think "cute young love" and not really regard it much more than that. But it has never felt more real. I have had a few boyfriends, not many whom I've slept with, but knowing all the problems I had in those relationships and now, not comparing them, but finally feeling like I click completely with someone. That we are really a perfect match, finally found my one :)

He is just everything I want in a man, I wouldn't change a single thing about him, he's perfect. He does these little sentimental things, I have been keeping a happy jar since January (write on little notes things that have made you happy) I'm quite lucky in the timing of it to be honest, it has recorded how our relationship has developed. He suggested we make it into a little scrap book. It's like me, but male, he likes doing little things for me, I've never had someone treat me so well, he treats me like his everything.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2 

xxxxx

Post storm in a teacup

Yesterday we agreed to move in together, like as soon as I move, not eventually. I'm so happy. Everything I was scared of seems to be a distant memory. 

Things with university however are becoming difficult. It makes me feel as though everything would be easier if I was dead. Don't worry I'm not suicidal. Nor am I depressed. These are thoughts of complete clarity and sobriety. Emotionless almost. Of course everything would be easier if the person in question was dead, no worries, no fears, no problems. But then you wouldn't get to experience living, the small things that bring a smile to my face, walking barefoot in the grass, having the warm sea washing around my ankles, the sun on my shoulders or feeling the sea breeze carry my problems away and the bigger feelings, pride when I see my sister marching in a parade, the smile on the love of my life's face when he looks at me, the feeling of holding him close and the feeling of satisfaction when my dad tells me how proud he is of me. See, even though I feel like it would be easier if I died, I think of all the things I have to live for, my family, my friends, those moments.

If  I ever get scared about the future again, this will be what I try to think about. 

Much Love,

Panda Girl 2 
xxx

I was doing so well

In less than 24 hours I went from happy, sharing the fact that I write here to scared and guarded. It is completely in my head. There is no actual physical problem, apart from the distance. Sometimes it feels like my head doesn't want me to be happy sometimes.

I can feel myself pushing him away.
Do I ask him for space?

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Guided by a beating heart

Haven't posted anything in a while, because I have not felt the need to. All urges to self harm have gone, I have reached a stable level of happiness.

I read yesterday that any woman who trusts a man 100% is a "mug"; for me this seemed incredibly harsh, I feel for the lady that said this, to have lost her faith in men enough to campaign for other women to do the same, it's that age old scenario, she is hurting, so she wants others around her to hurt. I have no issue saying I trust my man 100%. Although, admitting this does make me feel vulnerable, especially given my past. I do find it hard to trust people, extremely hard. Once it has been broken that's it, I find it very hard to trust that person again, nigh impossible, which can weigh heavily on a relationship I can tell you!

I am a strong believer that you should never let your happiness rely on another person, sure they will have a strong influence, but I would like to think I can be happy by myself. This being said I think this is why I was in such a bad place before Christmas. The person you're with can leave you feeling on top of the world, but they can also make you feel worthless, sometimes without you even realising it. I certainly didn't otherwise I would have ended things a lot sooner. It wasn't until I let this person go completely I felt such a weight had been lifted. All the negativity had gone with him. I felt like me again, which felt so normal, the most normal I'd felt in years, there was no nagging feeling in the bottom of my stomach, no pain in my abdomen from fearing the worst and, best of all, no heavy heart. I knew I had done my best to make it work and in this moment realised I had been over this person for months. I was perfectly happy to move on.

The past few months have been hard on my family, tensions building with my brother and his fiancée. But through everything my sister is the one there for me, both as crazy as one another, she's there to support me 100% always, everyone else needs a little encouragement.

Masters is stressful. data collection is stressful. survey design is stressful. statistics analysis is fun.. haha if only it could be a statistics thing!

Much love

Panda Girl 2
xxxxxx

There are no words to describe how happy I am. Life is unbelievably perfect, I am in love with the man of my dreams. Last night during a conversation about coming off the pill, my bf said he wanted to try for a baby with me. I have never had someone treat me the way he treats me; like a Princess. I have never felt so loved, so missed or so complete. Everything feels right with him, I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. 

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Be My Valentine

First post of 2013... Such a long time since I posted, Sorry!! So I have no idea if anyone actually reads this blog. Probably not..

Anyway since discovering my boyfriend had been 'cheating' on me I have tried to cut him out of my life as best I could. My God am I happier for it! Should have done it so long ago.


In other news:

I'm in love!

xxxxx

Storm in a teacup

Things have been better if I'm honest. My bf of 3 years cheated on me, with one of my friends, but I have to see them every week as we are all on a committee for a society at the university. It is horrible. I'm not sure of the extent of the cheating.. but I know there was something going one. What's worse is that I was confiding in my 'friend' all that I was feeling whilst going through this rough patch with my ex. She was then turning and telling him everything. Also actively seeking information asking how I was and If I thought we would get back together, did I want to get back together. So that betrayal hurt more than the lose of the ex.

Saying that I have moved on, surprisingly quickly. It isn't a rebound, which only confirms my suspicions that I should of ended my previous relationship a lot lot sooner. I am so much happier now, every one keeps pointing this out to me, even a friend who I saw for the first time in 2.5 years last weekend! I have fallen completely head over heels.

I try not to compare relationships, but one thing that shocked me is the trust. What it feels like to actually trust someone. My ex used to constantly bitch about me to his family. My new guy is just so attentive and affectionate, its just lovely. Although it is lovely, it does make me sad, to think this is what it could have felt like, I could have been this happy and instead stuck in a relationship that just made me feel down all of the time.

Uni is stressful at the moment. So many literature reviews and study this and survey that. Can't wait for the Easter break, to actually have a break!

In other news, have been accused of "cheating the system" by someone who doesn't understand how the system works, if they did know how the system works, they would know that what they are claiming is impossible to do, even if I wanted to, but surprisingly I have better things to do with my time than sabotage a simple membership process..



Moral of the story?
Careful who you trust. Might come back to haunt you, again and again and again. Try not to get worked up about professional criticisms, especially from people who know nothing of what they speak!

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxxxxx