Light at the end of the tunnel

So it has been a very long time since I last posted anything. Masters is so much work, so I haven't been able to find the time to post on here. Sorry!

So much has happened. The social services are still intervening, but I don't know any details. That's a bit worrying. Things with my mum are strained. I told her I didn't want anymore contact, she agreed that was best and hung up the phone. Later telling my sister that she would make me out to be a liar if she needed to, to keep from this getting out. Lovely supportive mother right? So on that front I'm pretty much done with her. We still talk (I want to still be able to speak to my sister) but its forced and strained.

My nan still isnt speaking to me over the graduation in june. Her and my sister have since made up, which I'm happy about. I want more than anything for her to be happy. What kind of sister would I be if I didn't? My nan rang my dad's house to speak to him. I answered the phone. She hung up. She hates me so much she cant even ask to speak to dad. Wow.

My brother, well that's just a train wreck. Things were strained before I went home for christmas, then we spoke a bit, I bought him a beautiful watch for his 21st birthday, engraved and everything. Didn't see him after his birthday. Didn't see him before I came back to uni. Got an angry phone call when I had a guy friend over the night before I was due to return to uni (he was my first boyfriend, but that was 7 years ago. Now we are just really really good friends) my brother started kicking off about him being there. No idea why. They've never spoken angry words, he didnt treat me badly when we were together, so I genuinely have no idea what his problem was. We haven't spoken since.

The (ex)boyfriend. He wanted to go on a break to get with someone else. We went on a break he got with her, I found out, I ended it. Worst thing about it was she was a 'friend' found out during our rough period when I had been confiding in her she had been going back to him and telling him everything I had said. He said she told him she liked him but asked that it didn't change anything. Why would you tell someone you liked them unless you wanted something to change?!? She also knew the whole social services details and exactly why it was going on. I asked her advice, again thinking she was a friend. Guess not because it feels like she went behind my back, used all the problems I was having as a way to get to him. He's lied to me through his back teeth though, never thought I would end up hating him. Surprisingly I'm not that upset about it all. More upset at her than him, at the betrayal rather than the loss.

Since we have been apart it has become very clear that the relationship was over a very long time ago. So it feels like I'm over it. I know I am. I haven't cried over it and I definitely do not want him back. I've moved on.

And I am so much happier for it. No mood swings, just a warm fuzzy feeling inside. I've met someone. We started seeing each other before Christmas. He is such an amazing sweet guy, I can't believe how lucky I am.  I think he is a bit dubious because of me only just getting out of a relationship, but he likes me, we've been on a few dates and spoken a lot over the holidays. He rang me a few times. I really like him, scared to tell people because I don't want them to think he is a rebound.  He's perfect :)

Not much else is going on in my life at the moment.


Moral of the Story?
When god closes a door he opens a window. Just don't spend too long looking at the door!

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Sh*teth have hitteth the fan-eth.. .

I have been having counseling since returning to university. Once a week. I always cried and felt like I was really getting somewhere. Opening up to someone in so much detail. SO MUCH DETAIL. Last week she told me she believed my sister to be at risk and would have to tell social services.

*CUE COMPLETE AND UTTER CARNAGE*

Mum didnt want to speak to me, Step Dad was even more unimpressed. Just felt like my whole world was crumbling around me.

 In all honesty; it still feels like this.

Pandora's box has been opened

First Counselling session, abuse and more abuse.

Had my first counseling session. Reaslised  that the majority or relationships in my life are abusive. Maybe not directly but I always feel as though I am the one who has to be responsible. Because no one else will.

Sometimes, I feel like the parent.

New Me.

So its been almost a week since moving back to university. I am loving it! Although I have had a few incidents where the freedom has gone to my head - got very drunk with some friends the other night. Felt it for days afterwards!

So far life is pretty awesome

So today I got upset with my bf. It was a night out for a friend's birthday. I really did have fun and enjoyed the night as a whole. But things just aren't right between me and my bf, I'm not sure what or why. It does break my heart, but at the same time, frustrates me to no end. Tonight all he did was be a little distant with me. This was enough to put a downer on parts of the evening for me. I HATE how much of an influence his behaviour has on my mood. It isn't normal and whenever I get upset about stuff like this I always feel like the 'crazy bitchy girlfriend' its not me.

It annoys me how I can be so happy,then switch suddenly to unhappy in the blink of an eye because of something that has been said, yet it takes me ages to get from sad back to happy. It is so up and down. My bf has taken to not actually saying anything nice to me, he thinks its all banter, but when thats all a person says to you, it becomes tiresome and in all honesty down right rude. But one day we were talking about how I love everything in my life exponentially. He argued I did and I argued I didn't. I asked him for an example of something that was in my life that I didn't love. "straight away he said *** the one name that is guaranteed to bring back instant childhood memories, give me nightmares and generally put me in a bad and unsociable mood. It just seemed so cruel, to use an obvious wound and use it like that, it wasn't even an argument  just a discussion. It felt like he wanted to hurt me and that was why he had said it.

I read things wrong, everything comes across wrong. I know that. He knows that. He knows that I know that. I am trying to fix it (went to see my GP about cognitive behavioural therapy) but  I can't help my feelings and how my emotions run. I just wish he would be more sensitive to these issues.

I wish I was someone else.

Moral of the story?
Wishing is not enough, you have to actively seek change.


Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Radio Silence

Apologies for the silence! I have been a bit hectic moving into my university accommodation!

I will post an actual post tomorrow, when I am not so tired!

Much Love

Panda Girl 2 xxx

Remorse,Shame and Healing

I want to apologise to everyone for how emotionally imbalanced I am. I really feel like i'm on an emotional roller coaster. You cannot fathom how deeply I regret my last post and what I did.

So the previous post I made when I believe I had hit rock bottom. I don't want to go into details of how I ended up there, in case it triggers off another spiral thing.

I didn't mean what I said, or I don't mean it now: about why stop something that gives me so much relief. Maybe at the time it relieves feelings, but I spend weeks feeling guilty and the rest of my life regretting it. The truth is I should have sought help a lot sooner. My friends and family have been fantastic with me this summer, but they shouldn't of had to put up with me the way they did. I should be able to control my own emotions, and I shouldn't of put upon them the way I did.

I haven't had the guts to tell the people who've been helping me through this that I did it again. I told one person, I heard the disappointment in their voice. It hurt me to the core. Knowing that I did that, made them feel that way. Time has come to take action of this problem, to take control of my emotions and my life. In less than 48 hours I will have left almost all of the triggers behind. I'm starting again. I know I can beat this. I have amazing support in my friends and family and soon I will be getting the right help.

My latest relapse has only made me more determined to sort myself out. I owe it to the friends who've put in so much time talking to me about this, to my family for causing them so much distress and to myself so that I can be happy.

On another note, my idiotic uncle was here again, spent the day throwing insults and talking down to me. He even called me back into the room so he could 'dismiss'/'shoo' me away and put his finger on the exact spot he wanted his tea. Tw*t. But I just let it go, and I couldn't feel better for it :) From now on I'm going to aim to let things go easier. I don't want all these pent up feelings of resentment and dislike in me; it brings out more negativity; something that I could do without.

Hoping to try out cognitive behavioral therapy, then I can let you wonderful people know how it works.

Moral of the story?
When you get yourself knocked down, pick yourself back of, dust down, smile, forget the past and move on. This is made a lot easier by having amazing friends - like I do :)

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Knives and Vodka

Tis the way forward! So today i got really really upset. AGAIN. See the pattern? So I did it again. and it made me feel better.

Why would I give up something that makes me feel better? Is there any sense?
I'm a horrible person anyway - always playing mind games and trying to break up family bonds. Those acts should be punished right?

Right.

Maybe that's why everyone hates me. Even my own family.

Screw everyone. Love is poison!

01:50am

I can't sleep. Surprise, surprise. My eyes feel heavy, like they want to sleep, but I don't want to lie down for fear of what will swim through my mind. Its easy to get carried away by thoughts this way. Especially for me. But on the bright side 7 days left until I leave.

I have had somewhat of a rough day. Well, probably feels a lot worse than it is. Mostly based on trivial matters. My nan. Her stupid cafe. I remember growing up thinking that I had two nans (mum and dads mums) but one was there for love, and one cared about the cafe more but she bought us things. We never went without uniform or toys. I am grateful, of course I am, but I can't help but feel neglected somewhat. I don't recall ever spending a lot of time with them; judging this is a good thing.. I don't think I would have wanted to spend more time with them. Well maybe with my Nan, that might have been nice.

Anyway today's trivial matter was this: 'working' in the cafe (flat out non stop for 3 hours) nan tells me to cook myself something, so I do. Then a customer orders what I was cooking, so she gives it to them. Possibly the most annoying thing she can do when either me or my sister are cooking our own food - we cook things the way we want, not pilled up with a load of oiled poured over it - to then have it taken away because she 'needs' it. Or she could just cook some of her own? Like she would do if we hadn't had that particular taste that day? So when she did this today I am mildly peeved. Then She tells me to go fetch the chips, then complains that I shouldn't have because they were left over, so being as there is enough for a meal and they are 'burnt' by my nan's standards, perfect by mine I suggest myself eating them so they don't waste, pointing out she gave my lunch away (this makes her a tad funny with me). Because she's stubborn she then put me a replacement meal to cook. So I went from having no lunch, to having two! Then she spent her time marching between the two kitchens grumbling to herself about how she "can't do it all by herself", she's done this meal and that meal and blah blah blah. She must have done this about 4 or 5 times and I was still biting my tongue. and then she came down into the kitchen where I was eating (yeah, didn't get a break to eat - have to hork it down on the job - not a fan!) and said "you're going to have to give me a hand" at this, I don't know whether it was her tone, or the fact she kept trying to make me feel guilty for eating or what but I snapped. Threw my lunch in the bin. She just looked at me and said "that's disgusting" So I replied that it would have gone to waste anyway and she just went on about it being disgusting to throw away food (normally I would completely agree, but I wouldn't say that to her) so I told her she had to find someone else to work next week. Then she did her usual "oh fuck off, fuck the lot of you, I can't cope with thisblah blah blah" I was this close (-----) to walking off and doing my own thing. She thinks my life at the moment is to slave away in the cafe and then serve her every whim!
We didn't speak for the rest of the afternoon. It was bliss. Not having someone asking me to pass them things every 5 seconds, then telling me off for not doing what I was meant to be. I should mention that when she called me to help when I was eating my lunch - it was for one sandwich. Which even I could have done by myself. I swear she tells me to do these things and the moment I agree she suddenly thinks its a bad idea, then has a go at me for it!

This evening I came upstairs and I was so cold that I climbed into bed. I just couldn't get warm enough. Text my brother asking him to come over (I was scared) and he just text asking what was wrong. Didn't come over or anything. Then I told him that (and I have no idea how to say this without sounding extremely dramatic) I thought I was dying. Not the 'OMG' panic way, but in a way that I felt emotionally and pysically numb. I suppose that is the best way to describe it. So he rings both my nan and my dad and tells them. I know he was only trying to help but neither of them are at the top of my confidant list. My dad phoned and suggested it was the flu, my nan had a little taunt. and THAT is why she isnt on the list! My dad isn't on the list because when I went to him about my self harm  issue, saying I wanted to get help, to beat it for good, his response was "are you doing it for attention?" Like I'm not a moron. If I wanted his attention I would get it, I wouldn't harm myself to get it, that is moronic.

My brother still didn't come and see me though. I don't expect him to drop his life and come running for me, but he's known for weeks about my situation and said if I ever needed him I should tell him. Today I did, I really needed him here, I was terrified of the fact I couldn't get warm. And he didn't come.


Moral of the story?
I have the luck of the draw! Two psychotic nans who make up lies about me...Maybe its me?


Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Storm in a teacup

So now I've calmed down. I know exactly what triggered it. But I don't want to think about it for fear of starting over again. And the thought of this person triggering it is very saddening to me.

Looking back on last night, its weird, like I wasn't really myself, I was irrational, rapidly breathing and not thinking straight. I didn't do it if you were wondering. I managed to swerve it around. Thanks largely on part to my friends. What fabulous people they are. After I had calmed down I decided to take some ibuprofen in the hope it would make me sleep - it did - mid conversation with one of the friends that has supported me from the start. Woke up at 6 am to find my light and laptop still on :/

8 days until I go back to uni. Back home. I cannot wait. For I fear the longer I stay here, the harder it will be to pull myself out of this self destruct mode. It is getting increasingly harder to keep my thoughts on track. When it gets hard I just think about making it back to uni. Its turned into my safe-zone. If I can get there, I can get back to the happy me :)

I saw my uneducated, egoTESTICLE uncle yesterday. Spent the day telling me I was his 'employee' therefore did not need to say please when he ordered me to get him a drink. Apparently employing someone deems manners obsolete. This statement would be dumb even if I was his 'employee'. Sad matter of the fact is I am helping my nan, so if the label would have to be thrown into the mix I would be her employee. Just another self obsessed idiot claiming power through their parents. This didn't bother me so much. Not really. Its one of those *think what an idiot he is then move on with my life* moments. Then he punched me. Hard. Not full force but enough to make my skin sting. Why? Because of a stupid USB memory pen. My granddad asked if it was mine, I said no (having not seen it in years - it was my granddad's)  he looked at me puzzled and I continued on describing it, saying the lid had a neck piece to hang around his neck. He looked at me again and asked where it was (like I said I hadn't seen this thing for years, not since I was younger) When I replied I had no idea, my uncle hit me. How the hell was I meant to know that?! He buys so much electrical crap he can't keep up with it, pair that with my nan's need to throw anything and everything away she can get her hands on  and it's a recipe for disaster.

Moral of the story?
Friends really are the family you choose :)

Much Love

Panda Girl 2 
xxxxx

Its happening again...

I can feel the feeling comeback

i need to

i think i wioll soon

i dont want to

please god i hope i dont.

I want to be normal

Controlling is not the word...

I am so ANGRY

So unf*cking believeable
ffs why is he such a tw*t
My step dad has unfriended me from my MUMS facebook account and BLOCKED me so I cant send messages.

CONTROLLING much??

I didn't do anything!! Oh wait - I tagged my dad in a photo and THAT pissed him off. Seriously? Grow the f*ck up and get over yourself. He's my f*cking dad!

Screw the lot of them. Its not worth it.

Moral of the story?
Once a controlling, bad tempered, anti-social, sulking, selfish, rude, tw*tish, idiotic moron, always a controlling, bad tempered, anti-social, sulking, selfish, rude, tw*tish, idiotic moron. There is just no helping some people. 

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Road to recovery

It has taken me a week to build up the courage to write another post. It hasn't been easy and today I came close to repeating that mistake. Too close. I'm not even sure what I was so upset about. Its all of the little upsetting things that are starting to get to me, always feel so much worse and I know its because of the amount of time I have spent around these things that are making me feel this way. I need to get out. I can't wait to leave. 10 days and I'll be back to being me, still with the sleep issues, but away from the every day reminders, triggers and insults.

I have finally managed to sort out counselling! I feel like I've finally accomplished something in this fight to get rid of these feelings, thanks to a good friend I know how to go about getting the counselling from the university when I go back.

So not only is it 10 days until I get away from this, but also 10 days until I can get the help I need. Finally. It's only taken all summer long to feel like I'm getting somewhere. I truly hope that I will feel better when I leave. If not, it will feel like i've wasted my time or something.

Moral of the story?
Persevere - help is there, it just takes time, patience and good friends to find it! Small victories lead to long term defeat! 

Much Love

Panda Girl 2 
xxxx

Nitty Gritty

POSSIBLY TRIGGERING!!

When I started this blog my aim was to help people understand. Well, now I can say it must include all the nitty gritty bits.

So finally after months of trying to find it, seeking professional help and finding none, finding some fantastic friends, I gave in. Now all i'm left with is an arm that stings and a numb empty feeling. I feel ashamed. I hate myself for doing this. I feel like i've let down the people who supported me. Particularly one of my friends, who stayed up with me until past 2am because he knew I was terrified of sleeping. I feel I've let him down the most. If it wasn't for wanting to not let him down this would of happened a lot sooner.

This isn't just because of my previous posts today, its a conglomeration of things. All of them crashing down on me at once. I couldn't handle it this time.

I am truly sorry.


Moral of the story?
Cant escape my demons. Don't give up!

Much Love

Panda Girl 2 
xxxx

Why do I bother?

So I went through a lot of trouble to organise a nice date for my bf. As a surprise. I booked a table at a really nice restaurant and bought movie tickets. Today I asked him if we were still on for the date tomorrow. He said we could but warned me that he wouldn't be as happy as usual. This just completely took the wind out of my sails. Its not just because of this one time, its because this isn't uncommon. I try my hardest and I always end up feeling like I shouldn't have bothered, it wasn't appreciated and I wasted my time.

Nothing ever seems to be good enough. I just can't win. Feeling very low right now. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on for.

Moral of the story?
One sided relationships are never healthy. Always end up with people getting hurt. - What's that? Why am I not taking my own advice you ask? Simply I'm an idiot. Trying to fight for a three year relationship that is clearly over and I just can't accept that fact.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Loss of a loved one

Today is my wonderful Granddad's birthday. He would be 77. Sadly died, Christmas eve 2009. Worst Christmas ever. I was devastated. Still am to be honest. Spent the majority of the day thinking about him. All the good memories with him. He used to have the most odd sayings; swede = head, paws = hands, beak = nose/mouth. And odd little quips "funny peculiar or funny haha?" Always joking around, like a big kid.  On of my earliest memories with him is of me bugging him to let me help him water the plants in the garden with him. He was an avid gardener, always producing the most beautiful flowers, I loved going to their house when the flowers were in bloom.

This morning I awoke from a nightmare; always the same one. I was dripping in sweat and just couldn't get the images out of my mind. It was like reliving it. All over again. For the thousandth time. So I got up and went to the gym for an hour, then swam. Felt so much better for it. Then I went for a walk with an old friend and we just talked. It was nice to be away from the house, the triggers and everything for a while.

Not looking forward to sleeping tonight. I know because of this morning it won't be pleasant

I'm not sure there is a moral this time...

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Ignorance is bliss

Feels like ages since I wrote a post. Well it kind of has been.. so alot has happened this week; my brother basically ruined my dad's birthday because his girlfriend thinks the world revolves around her. I hate them both with a passion and now by some weird twist of fate I'm somehow making her birthday cake... O.o no idea how I got myself into that one - probably by not thinking up an excuse to get out of it fast enough...

But I'mmmmm ouuuuttttttaaaaaa hereeeeeeee! :D I'm getting my masters funded! So I get out of here in 3 weeks! I cant wait; then I can stop feeling like this emotional wreck and actually feel like me again. I got called 'idle' today; in a "jokey, but having a dig kind of way" my uncle- the uneducated, knuckle dragging, moronic, man who has an astronomical case of little man syndrome. Oh and he's almost bald too... The classic case of him putting someone else down to make himself feel better... this has happened before, always will. To be honest I pity him, he lacks the capacity to understand the value of education, that I am not idle, that I am working hard to educate myself to a high standard, to then be able to go forward into the world and get a good job. Whilst he works on a building site weather permitting. I have nothing against that type of work, or any type of work for that matter, I respect that people make of them selves what they are willing to put in, but I do get irked when people try to make fun of me for wanting an education. Especially then when I have to dumb down my language because they don't understand what a degree is (not my uncle - some other t*sspot) literally didn't know what it was:I explained it was higher up than A Levels and GCSEs... didnt have a clue what they were either... Well what do you expect from dodgy 'as f**k' people who try and scam everyone left right and center? Even supposed family? What a joke.

I told a good friend about an experience that I never thought I could share with someone outside of my 'trust circle' (for lack of better terminology) I've grown to trust him a lot over the past few weeks and it felt really nice not to have someone just patiently listen. I've told 2 of my boyfriends (the serious ones), my sister and my mum. Both of my boy friends have been overwhelmingly angry the moment I told them, one even having to leave the conversation to lie down because he was so angry, the other just cuddled me tightly and apologised. I don't know what to expect when I think about telling people. But today it just felt right, like I could let this person in, completely. Without him, I would truly be a mess, an emotional wreck. So thank you mystery man ( I know who you are don't worry) :P

Moral of the story?
Ignore the ignorant ones, let them live in their ignorance, one day they will realise. Trust someone, in your heart you will know who they are :)

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Wrong timing?

I'm not really sure what I thought I would be achieving with this blog.. I guess I hoped to help people understand thinking processes. But at the end of the day its my thinking process - not everyone will think this way.. I sure hope they don't, lately I've been feeling a little bit of an outsider in my own life. I mean i'm living, but i'm not LIVING. Not in the sense of enjoying my life, feeling happy everyday. It all seems to be blurring into one. I can't wait to get back to uni, if only to get away from here. This place is making me this way. This isn't home, it hasn't been since I was around 12. I feel like a guest in my own home, walking on fragile egg shells and constantly on edge. I can't relax here. Have to have my guard up. Just in case.

I have some truly amazing friends. I have spoken to few of them about this problem, very few. But the ones I have spoken to have been amazing. I wouldn't have lasted this long with out them, truly. Despite this, these feelings just aren't going away. I'm thinking that maybe it is just the wrong time to fight it? I spend all day every day trying to fight it. Now it is exhausting. It is consuming my life. I just can't wait to leave and hopefully get some of my life back! As for now, I'm seriously considering just giving in until I can get away from here. But it worries me, that if I do that, I'll never get the old me back - the one who could resist and did resist. I so badly want to be me again.

Moral of the story?
Having amazing friends is a great start, but the fight has to come from within you!

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

At least I have someone..

So today I found out that my brother doesn't care about me. He asked a week ago if I was ok, I told him no and he promised to come see me the next day. He didn't and has kept promising to "come tomorrow" but in this case tomorrow never comes. Three days ago he asked what was wrong, I told him I didn't want to talk about it over text, just that I wanted to tell him face to face and said something about old demons resurfacing and that was pretty much it, after that he promised to come see me the day after. Again he didn't show and promised the day after. He didn't come last night, because he went out for a meal. He promised today. He said he'd be over when he picked my sister up from work, she came, he didn't. I text him asking him if he was coming..the response? "No i'm spending time with my gf and relaxing". I got very emotional because he knew I was upset and he kept putting me off, it completely changed my mind about telling him everything.

Wow, that was awkward. I got quite upset writing the first part of this post and so rang my mum and guess who shows up?! My brother and his gf! We chatted for a bit away from his gf and my sister, but his gf didn't leave us alone for long. He knew I was upset when he came, but instead he went on and on about how my dad doesn't make an effort with his gf. Shocker... he wonders why when she stops him seeing his family, takes money out of his account and buggers up his car insurance? But i guess in reality everyone in my family is hoping she is stopping him seeing us; otherwise he is willingly staying away from the family. But I suppose if he actually went home once in a while it would give my dad a chance to get to know her. Oh well, I don't know, or care for that matter. I've got enough going on of my own, and oh if only it was something simple like that; an actual clear problem with a clear solution: easily solved. I ended the conversation by saying that he should be having this conversation with dad.

On the other hand; my sister, the hero. She is amazing, the only one in my family who actually bothers with me because she genuinely cares, not because she feels she has to, or because she has some vapid issues with my dad that requires bitching about my dad to me. She is literally a savior, when ever I'm upset all I want is a cuddle from her and it seems everything will be alright again. And I'm supposed to be the big sister... that's why I'm working so hard at uni, so that I can look after them all in the long run. Its always been about them, all for them, my brother and 2 sisters. I need to look after them. God knows we need to stick together, especially after what we've been through.

Moral of the story?
Hang in there! Even at your darkest point there will always be someone there to listen; be it family, friends or people like Samaritans (link to the left of this post). For me, it is my sister; who is and always will be my hero <3 

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Close to the edge..

Tonight I came close to giving in. I didn't, but it was the closest it has been so far. I asked several members of my family to come and see me (I'm house bound at the moment - babysitting a kitten that cant be left alone) I was feeling low and hoped that they would come along; talking with them always cheers me up. But they never came, my brother has known that I wasn't ok for over a week and has been promising to come see me for a week. I hadn't seen him since the day after my graduation (a month and a half ago) despite living in the same small town. My sister was to tired, understandable after working 12 hour shifts for four days straight and my dad.. well he didn't really give an excuse. My bf hasn't spoken to me in days, he has got a lot going on right now in his own family, but he ignores me, when he knows what I'm going throughm i'd be over the moon with a "how are you doing?" but... nothing... truly felt worthless. Not sure what happened to snap me out of it. Maybe talking to a friend? He was supportive, but in that state of mind nothing he said was comforting, I suppose it was having some one to listen that helped.

I feel so alone. Like no one cares, I've tried talking to my family, but they don't understand, no one does. They don't have time for me more so when I feel this way it would seem...

Moral of the story?
Never reply on anyone, that way you cant get disappointed or hurt

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxxxxxxxxxx

Just one of those days

Today has been just one of those days that has left me feeling awful. It wasn't helped by yesterday either- that was a terrible day too.

Yesterday I awaited a phone call for a job I applied for... when the guy rang he asked me what I wanted to know and my reply was "Well really what the job entails"... the job I had applied for was something along the female company required (I thought it was either looking after an elderly couple/lady/gentleman and basically giving them someone to talk to...) No... his response? "well basically the job entails meeting up with men for sex" I was literally speechless, I mumbled something about being naive (which was VERY true) said I couldn't do it (wouldn't more like..) and apologised for wasting his time... I have never felt so embarrassed! All this whilst walking around the high town! Afterwards it really effected me, I kept going over and over it in my head... the negative spiral again. Such a short conversation had had such a big reaction from me. I really felt worthless. It dragged up old feelings I thought I had forgotten; Its time to face facts: I am and always will be "damaged goods". I don't see why anyone would feign the slightest interest in me.

Today was better but still not enjoyable, helped my nan, shes full of empty threats and rants about how I don't do certain things to help her; even though I'm stood there patiently waiting for her to give me the next task. I cant win. So I decided to get out of the way for a bit and went swimming. I could escape my Nan and her sharp tongue, but not myself. In the pool all I had swimming around my head was a conversation I had weeks ago when I first told my dad I wanted to get counselling for my self harm. He responded "are you doing it for attention?" Those six little words going round and round my head and I couldn't stop them. It truly hurt when he said that, after I had gone to him for help. Made me feel more alone than ever. I still haven't given in to the urges, my mum has only told me to stay strong, but other than that, nobody really seems to want to talk about it, like its a taboo or something. Either way I still need to talk to someone about it, but I guess now I'm realizing that one of the main reasons I want to go back to uni is to get away from all of this; feeling this way and away from the people that make me feel like this. I want to take control of my own life again, but that is hard to do here.

Moral of the story?
Even damaged goods have feelings...I may act tough and smile a lot, but inside all I need is someone to talk to..


Much love,

Panda Girl 2

xxxxxxx

Putting myself in the cross fire..

I bet you are asking yourself why I would do this? Simple: I cannot watch my nan struggle in her business. I help her for 3 days a week sometimes 4/5 depending on the fickle great aunt. Every day I spend with her I feel like s**t. I swear she doesnt like seeing me happy...when I start to lose weight she is instantly campaigning to have me eat chips or pizza every night. If i dont do something she wants (more often than not its because i cant) she goes off ranting, her behaviour has such a dramatic effect on me, yet I still agree to help her each day.

Clearly I need to do something about it, but I just cant... I hate seeing her struggle. To the point where I'm in agony each evening from standing for 7 hours a day (I have back issues - far too much of a curvy spine!) But I still dont think I deserve to feel this way, despite putting myself in this situation. If anyone is reading this, anyone at all, I would be interested to know what you think? Email me at panda.girl2@yahoo.co.uk

Well I had better get a good nights sleep... I know I'm going to need it.

Moral of the story?
People do crazy things for family...


Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxx

Help is so hard to find...

I think today is something like my fifth day of searching for help... I feel like I need it now... I have phoned my local GP (who were less than helpful because of my uni situation meaning I was registered at the uni doctors not in my hometown) and two counselling services who are local to me and I found on the NHS website. Problem? When I rang both services did not answer the phone so I left a message. I had my second response this morning, the first one being a simple "go through your GP" reply and the second being similar but also telling me that they don't really help anyone over the age of 21. Then the woman stopped and asked if I was in danger of substance abuse, when I said no she then said I would need to go through my GP. But there was a lovely convenient 4 month waiting list. Unless of course I paid.

This left me feeling totally out of control, I mean I was pro-actively seeking help for self harm because I didn't want to do it, so far no one seems willing to help unless I join a lengthy waiting list or pay ridiculous amounts of money that I don't have. If only I had seen this coming 4 months ago, maybe I could have booked in advance?

Today got better; I had a job interview and met up with my boyfriend. Now in my post yesterday I talked about how he hadn't spoken to me since I told him I wanted counselling. Today I found out why; he was waiting for me to go to him, he thought I would talk to him when I was ready!! See how these misunderstandings can effect everything? We went for a walk and I really opened up to him, told him about how I was feeling. It felt really nice just to have someone listen rather than wanting to shove advice down my throat at every opportunity. Having said that, I spoke to a friend about wanting help, he was so supportive it instantly helped; he wasn't dissapointed with me for feeling this way and gave me some good advice, without forcing it onto me.

I think the thing with me is that when something impacts my mood, it impacts it on a massive scale, so something that would normally irritate someone else, it really upsets me and that is when the negative spiral comes into practice.

Similar thing happens with me when I think about my boyfriends family. For some reason I've convinced myself that they hate me (not saying this is fact; again this is just the way I feel!). My boyfriend does have a weird family; but I mean that in a loving way! Kooky and unique, but I love them for it :) We have had our issues in the past but surely that happens in all families? Because I can honestly say how happy it makes me to think of them as family. I would do anything for them, just as I would my own family. I worry sometimes that my shyness comes across as rudeness. I am so shy, until you get to know me really well. So I worry that when I am trying to think of something to say or i'm not saying anything for fear of making a fool of myself that it comes across as rudeness and them thinking I dont want to talk to them. I get a similar feeling when I see people that I grew up with now. I dont speak to them, but that is because I don't feel as though I have anything to say that they would want to listen to. I dont value my own opinion enough to bring it up around people, unless i'm 100% comfortable.

Again I faced the wrath of my nan (she runs her own cafe) she has been short staffed over the summer, so I volunteered to help her (she hasn't been looking for anyone else) and the other lady that works here (another family member - my nans sister) is starting to take advantage of this.... she phoned my nan tonight and said she couldn't make it into work until 10.30 tomorrow morning. When I got home my nan said "don't suppose you'll work tomorrow 9 til 10?" (this was 9.30 pm!!) and when I replied that I already had plans she started to rant at me about coming home late. (I was swimming - 3 doors down... not like I was in the local park with the local chavs drinking!) This would be the third shift I have covered for this other member of family. In 2 weeks. She only works 2 days a week! It seems like I was being punished for her dropping out. It led me to think back a few days to the cafe's busiest day of the week, when my nan spoke down to me one too many times and after hours of taking it I finally snapped and walked off. I heard her lie to my granddad about why she was annoyed at me (she shouted at me because a fax hadn't come through....I know right? and told me to get a grip after swearing whilst charging about the place. She told my granddad that it was because i refused to do washing up....) When I refused to go back down stairs she said "so you're dropping me in the s**t?" I wonder if she said the same to my great aunt, who is having more and more time off.

I know why she hates me... And she does hate me; its clear by her behavior.


Moral of the story?
Just because you feel a certain way - doesn't make it fact! Help is there, you just need to be able to hold out for it.... or be psychic?

Much Love

Panda Girl 2

Supporters who dont understand?

Yesterday I told my dad I wanted to talk to someone at Samaritans. He agreed to drive me in to town to see them. First he asked if we could go for a walk. I agreed and he said he wanted to talk. He asked me why I felt I needed to talk to them. I explained that I felt I needed some advice on what to do next. To this he told me that these people cannot offer me advice, they are there to simply listen, something which he could do. I agreed with him, but stated that it is sometimes easier to talk to someone I didn't know and he seemed to understand this.

We walked and talked about my uni plans (facing more discouragement about going back to study for a masters) and said "I don't see what you have got to be so unhappy about". I felt like crying there and then. I do know how lucky I am, I really do. But it was clear that he had no idea how I feel or why, despite having spent roughly an hour talking about the reasons that I felt trapped. No matter how hard I tried to explain he couldn't understand that, in my case at least, it is my thought process that leaves me feeling like this and is completely irrelevant of what I do or do not have in my life.

Currently I am having some issues with my boyfriend, as an example of how I get worked up into these states I will use this as an example. Four days ago I told him that I wanted to go for counselling for my self harm urges. He asked what had pushed me over the edge. I couldn't bring myself to tell him everything; his Dad had a very bad stroke about a month and a half ago, so his plate is pretty full at the moment. But I havnt heard from him since. I'm being stubborn by not texting him first, but I am hurt that he hasnt text or called just to see if im ok, I dont expect to be his main priority, but he has as good as dropped me since we came home from uni.

Now then; in my head I keep going over what I said to make him act this way, how I could of acted differently to get a different result, what input his family have had on this incommunicado and why he hasn't text. Is he mad? Did I offend him? Does he even care? Then I decide that he obviously doesn't care, if he did he would of checked to see if I'm ok. This then snowballs into questioning the relationship, whether he loves me, if I love him. What I would do with out him, whether I should talk to him or not ect ect.It just gets worse and worse.

I think the problem I have (in this blog I will be talking about my experiences and feelings - obviously everyone is different, so we cannot assume that everyone thinks like I do) is that I get locked into a negative thinking spiral, once i'm in it, there is nothing I can do to break free. Some days I feel on top of the world and the next day the complete opposite.

It is hard dealing with this type of change in mood, and I cant image it is easy for people around me - quite the emotional roller coaster. But I do feel that this is influenced, in part, to the people around me, not understanding me, and making ignorant comments like "I don't see what you have got to be so unhappy about" because that reinforces the negative thinking pattern. My objective is to think more positively, that way I can theoretically break free of the negative spiral easier.

Moral of the story?
Try and think positive to balance out the negative spirals! It will get easier with time, you just have to take it one day at a time. Find someone who supports you and doesn't make you feel ashamed for feeling down, that way you feel more comfortable talking to them!

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

My history

My aim with this blog is to try and get across how someone who feels as I do. I used to self harm as a way of dealing with my over-active emotions. I can remember the first time, as if its happening now, its so vivid. I was 11. Some extreme family behaviours had left me feeling alone and abandoned. I still had one parent, the one who hadn't abandoned me, be had been abandoned also. This offered little comfort at the time although in hindsight meant I was not alone, but we as a family had been abandoned; my dad, my siblings and me.

That evening I picked up a compass and started to scratch a message of hatred into my arm. It hurt, but it didn't bleed. I told my dad what I had done, this upset him and he angrily told me never to do it again.

After this I began scratching my arms, wrist and hands, often till they were red raw and turned orange when they were healing. A year on from the compass incident I remember sat on my nan's bathroom floor talking to her whilst she bathed. I started crying, telling her what I had done, fearful for what it would turn into. She told me not to be stupid and it was nothing. Going on to say if I knew what a hard life she had had I wouldn't be so unhappy about how good I had it. Little did she know about me and what had happened all those years ago, before my mum left, before any of this started. Something that still gives me nightmares and haunts me. I have told a few people but have sworn them to secrecy for fear of anyone finding out, for if it was ever to get out, my family would surely break, torn apart by it and would surely cave in and turn on itself.

Shortly after this encounter with my nan I continued with the scratching. More family developments, my dad found someone else. (In all honesty right now this is how she seemed and came across, I am not saying for one moment that these were her intentions!) She was lovely, I spent days at the office with her whilst my dad went about his work, she was easy to talk to and made me laugh. Until their relationship got more serious. She changed, all she seemed to want was my dad, all to herself. I became a stranger in my own home, walked around on eggshells.

She started to take over the role of looking after the cooking (something my nan had been doing since my mum had left) she would cook different meals; pizza (burnt) and chips (still half raw) for myself and my siblings, whilst her and my dad would have steak or other such fanciful foods. She would turn something tiny into a massive argument, every time I would approach my dad with these problems, he would immediately get defensive and tell me how much she did for me (true she did cook my meals and pay half for our yearly family holiday; disgusting half cooked food and a holiday ending with an explosive argument - guaranteed!) When I told my dad that I would rather her be nice to us than do those things, he would call me ungrateful. I soon dropped the issue and after a while stopped going to him at all with these problems. It felt horrible knowing that after everything we had been through with my mum, that I could no longer talk to things that upset me and my siblings, for fear that it would happen again (mentioned above).

Before the divorce I had spent a day in London with my mum and dad, one of my happiest childhood memories, whilst there I had my portrait drawn. Since that day it took pride of place on the mantle in the living room. Shortly after my dad's new partner arrived it was replaced with minimalistic ornaments and candles. Still myself and siblings put it back in its place, trying to cling on to a home that used to be ours, until one day it vanished completely. That was approximately 4 or 5 years ago. Haven't seen it since.

During the time after my mum left I had counselling for it all. It was a very messy divorce (mainly because of the partners of my parents) there is far too much to talk about for me to go into detail. The counselling helped. I don't remember much about it apart from taking photos in so that the lady I spoke to could keep up with everyone involved. I do remember that she said I didn't have to talk to her if I didn't want, I could just play with the toys instead, I always chose to talk to her.

During the years that my nan looked after us, there were good days and bad days, but I can honestly say that the bad days felt like hell. She would start arguments over nothing, when I would walk away to get away from her, she would follow. I must have gone in and out every room in the house trying to get away from her.  If it happened in her house, she would eventually say "get out of my house...now!" so I would leave, she would follow and would continue shouting at me well out on to the pavement, she liked to humiliate us in front of the neighbours, always portraying the victim. Causing my dad more stress. I can say that I have very few happy memories as a child. One being my day in London, any after that are few and far between, often with friends, or my dad and siblings. Never with my nan. My poor granddad; had to put up with these arguments often. I get upset now thinking about how torn he must of felt, always put in the middle.

When I was 16 one day I was speaking to my mum on the phone about life in general. She asked if I liked my life, my response? "Well I'd be lying if I said I thought it had been easy" Silence from her... then she asked a question about the experience from my childhood, one that no one could know was true, that I had told no one about.  I shakily replied "yes....how did you guess?" Turned out she had been through the same thing. Or something similar at least. We cried and the next day I took a train to where she lived and we cried together, hugged and talked about it.

Then I had the chance to go away for a week, stay in university accommodation with some school friends. I liked having my own space and decided to move out, move in with my grandparents who lived in the same town. My dad wasn't happy with this but I didn't care, I needed to get out of that house. I was sick of walking on egg shells. I was 17.

I moved in with other family, but my feelings were getting worse. After an emotional low point I cut for the first time. I had such a sense of relief. Soon this became my way of being able to cope. It became a normal thing to do. My dad's girlfriend took me shopping to get a sports bra (after months of plaguing me to join the gym) and when I was trying it on put her head through the curtain asking if it fitted. It was too late, she saw the marks on my arm, though she said nothing, I knew she had seen. Although nothing was said by anyone in the days, weeks, months and years that followed, obviously she told no one. Part of me wonders what had happened if she had; would I have gotten help sooner?

I started getting more and more piercings and tattoos (the first tattoo being the day before the sports bra incident) it gave me a sense of individuality, controlling my own actions, making my own decisions. In total I had 4 tattoos and 24 piercings in the space of at most 2 years. Looking back now I don't regret any of my tattoos, because they all had a meaning, they are all symbolic of people in my life. I still have some of my piercings, but also have a lot of scarring from them.

During this time I was accepted in to college to study travel and tourism. I went for counselling, for the second time in my life, the lady was lovely and we met once a week and over a period of about 6 months she helped me, gradually I thought more positively and I generally became happier. We talked and she gave me a sketch book, she told me to fill it with what ever I wanted and to bring it along to our meetings and if I felt comfortable with the idea, letting her look at my drawings. I did and this helped so much in some way. I stopped seeing her because I sat down and she asked how everything was I said "great" with a huge smile on my face; I was truly happy. She smiled back and said that it didn't sound like she was needed any more. I thanked her for what she had done and we parted ways.

At college I did well, got accepted into university. My nan told me that I would never make it in university and that it was a "pie in the sky" dream. I made a promise to myself that I would not self harm any more, I was now a different person. However I soon found that it was hard to stop like that and soon found that hitting myself bought the same relief. Then Christmas eve of my first year of university, my granddad passed away. I was at my mums house spending it with my youngest sister (7 at the time), Christmas felt magical again with her, she believed with all her heart in Santa and the look of pure delight and shock on Christmas morning made my Christmas. Around lunch time my sister (back at home with my dad) phoned to tell me that our granddad had died. She was in tears, I cried, even my mum cried. She explained the reason my dad had not told us sooner was because he wanted us to have a good memory of Christmas morning. I rang my nan to ask her if she was ok. She responded with "No, you said you'd be here for me and you aren't" then she said something about how my granddad would feel, but I don't remember exactly, the rest of the conversation was a blur. I was hysterical when I hung up, my mum even rang my dad about it (they didn't speak, ever. Not since the divorce except to argue down the phone) I went home the next day, tried to pretend what my nan said didn't hurt. She never apologised. Still hasn't. That was Christmas 2009.
The funeral was a few weeks later, I had returned to university to study for my first set of exams. The snow made it awkward to get home and I returned the day before the funeral. That evening we went to see my granddad in his coffin. He looked so different, it looked like he was sleeping. The funeral passed by in a flurry of tears, tissues and snow. At the wake, my other nan (who runs her own cafe and had offered to do the food and drinks) had me running around handing out tea and coffee to other guests! At a moment in my life where I was struggling to hold it together I was handing out tea and coffee to people I had no recollection of, but had known my granddad at some point in his life. Now it seems so surreal, that it didn't really happen.

The snow kept me at home for an extra 5 days and my exams were fast approaching. My boyfriend encouraged me to fill out a special circumstances form, to explain what had happened, to get them to go easy on me, explain why my mind wouldn't have fully been involved in my exams, but I refused. Part of me thinking I didn't deserve it, part of me thinking that I could do it for my granddad, almost like having something to prove. I did fine in the exams.

Half way through my second year I had a cutting relapse. Whilst going home for the Christmas holidays, I pushed a car through the mountains. I have got it into my head that this caused me to miscarry. I didn't even know that I was pregnant. It has never been medically proven that I did, but the symptoms are far too similar and I believe that is what it was, both then and now. Myself and boyfriend made it to my house, where he stayed the night (his house being only another 30mins drive from mine) this was when it happened; I don't feel comfortable going into the details but I genuinely believe I miscarried. He was desperate to get home to his mum, so he left me. I was scared and asked him to stay, but he refused. We argued. After Christmas, we returned to university where I found that his sister had been bad mouthing me to him. I facebooked her to ask why she felt the need to say it, I was very polite and told her how much he meant to me. She responded by saying that she knew how hurt he'd been by some stuff I had said. But he hadn't told her the whole story, not why we had argued. She said she was just looking out for him and I would do the same in her situation. The whole message came across as very unapologetic and accusing. I asked my boyfriend if I could tell her the whole story as I felt it was unfair that I was getting this treatment for something I had been deeply upset by. He said yes and I told her. Next thing I know is she phones him to ask if its true. Like someone would lie about this kind of thing?! It was more than I could handle and I left. Walked along the sea front for a while before returning. A few days later was when I had my relapse. I felt awful. It didn't bring the same relief.

Since then I have hit myself a few times, but it was getting less frequent. Then one day I stopped all together. Every time I did get upset, thoughts would go back to harming, but I never gave in. I graduated and my widowed nan created an argument out of it.  A few days before the graduation throwing my graduation dress  at me whilst I stood on her door step in stunned silence, where she proceeded to rant at me. "if you do it wrong it comes wrong" over and over again, I said I had done nothing wrong. She laughed. In all honesty I knew that she would have created an argument and end up not coming, just to ruin it because she didn't get her own way. This knowledge, the years that she did similar things and the fact that she laughed led me to say something I now regret: "You're evil" She just laughed in my face. I turned and walked away and she shouted after me "put it on facebook, see what everyone else thinks" I felt like I did when I was a child, humiliated on the street. When I got home my dad was angry with me for being upset, told me I had always known she was like this and that I needed to harden up. Asking if it mattered that everyone else was still going to my graduation. I told him of course it did. I was so upset at the fact I knew it was going to happen, but I still let her hurt me. I was relieved that she wasn't coming! It meant that she wouldn't cause drama on the day, with my mum and youngest sister (we have different dads - but she is my SISTER not half sister as my nan loves to point out) she hates my youngest sister, I have no idea why.

She didn't come to my graduation, it didn't matter. I had a brilliant day with people that do matter. I graduated with a 2:1 BSc, a 1st class dissertation and top of my class; earning two awards!

Moral of the story so far?
Ignore those who make life difficult! Don't let the bad experiences define who you are, everything is possible! I wish someone had told me this back when I was sat at the kitchen table being told university was a pie in the sky dream. 

If I can do it, so can you! :)

Much love,

Panda Girl 2

xxxxxxx