*Enter overly dramatic title here*

So I had a pretty good christmas, in fact it was near on perfect! My problem is me. I don't like to be happy and now i'm starting to doubt what I want, well I know what I want but I am questioning whether it will make me truly happy and if so, am I really happy now? I'm so confused: I go from being head over heels to wanting to leave and never come back in the blink of an eye. Today all I have wanted to do was sit in a ball and cry. 

The last few nights I have tried, as hard as I can to remember what my nan said to me on christmas morning when I called her after finding out my granddad had died on christmas eve. It must have really hurt because try as I might I cannot pull up the exact phrasing she used. All I can remember is staring at the "FY" on the "GOOFY" phone asking myself if this was actually happening, was she actually saying these things to me moments after finding out my Granddad had died? I know she was grieving but what she said to me was down right cruel. I just remember saying "ok, I have to go," hanging up and bursting into tears, much to my mum's dismay, she didn't know what to do, I remember her calling my dad to tell him what happened and it was an extremely awkward conversation, with me balling my eyes out in the background. I remember wanting to know why she wasn't comforting me as I badly wanted to comfort her, I still don't know why she was so cruel to me. She is a very selfish being, always turning the situation around to make herself the centre of attention, taking the focus of the fact that my Granddad had passed, she couldn't even let him have that moment. One thing I can never forgive her for.

We still don't talk.

Back to the issues at hand. I am clearly just emotionally retarded. I am scared of feeling too much :( I am just so insecure, its all my problem, I am not normal and its moments like these that I hate myself, feel like it would be easier to just be dead.

Top it all off I have a fear I'm infertile. Go me! I just get better and better -_-

Im going to take a safe assumption that this is a low point.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
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