Apologies for the silence! I have been a bit hectic moving into my university accommodation!
I will post an actual post tomorrow, when I am not so tired!
Much Love
Panda Girl 2 xxx
About Me
- PandaGirl2
- Contact me at panda.girl2@yahoo.co.uk Much Love Panda Girl 2 xxxx
Thursday 27 September 2012
Wednesday 19 September 2012
Remorse,Shame and Healing
I want to apologise to everyone for how emotionally imbalanced I am. I really feel like i'm on an emotional roller coaster. You cannot fathom how deeply I regret my last post and what I did.
So the previous post I made when I believe I had hit rock bottom. I don't want to go into details of how I ended up there, in case it triggers off another spiral thing.
I didn't mean what I said, or I don't mean it now: about why stop something that gives me so much relief. Maybe at the time it relieves feelings, but I spend weeks feeling guilty and the rest of my life regretting it. The truth is I should have sought help a lot sooner. My friends and family have been fantastic with me this summer, but they shouldn't of had to put up with me the way they did. I should be able to control my own emotions, and I shouldn't of put upon them the way I did.
I haven't had the guts to tell the people who've been helping me through this that I did it again. I told one person, I heard the disappointment in their voice. It hurt me to the core. Knowing that I did that, made them feel that way. Time has come to take action of this problem, to take control of my emotions and my life. In less than 48 hours I will have left almost all of the triggers behind. I'm starting again. I know I can beat this. I have amazing support in my friends and family and soon I will be getting the right help.
My latest relapse has only made me more determined to sort myself out. I owe it to the friends who've put in so much time talking to me about this, to my family for causing them so much distress and to myself so that I can be happy.
On another note, my idiotic uncle was here again, spent the day throwing insults and talking down to me. He even called me back into the room so he could 'dismiss'/'shoo' me away and put his finger on the exact spot he wanted his tea. Tw*t. But I just let it go, and I couldn't feel better for it :) From now on I'm going to aim to let things go easier. I don't want all these pent up feelings of resentment and dislike in me; it brings out more negativity; something that I could do without.
Hoping to try out cognitive behavioral therapy, then I can let you wonderful people know how it works.
Moral of the story?
When you get yourself knocked down, pick yourself back of, dust down, smile, forget the past and move on. This is made a lot easier by having amazing friends - like I do :)
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
So the previous post I made when I believe I had hit rock bottom. I don't want to go into details of how I ended up there, in case it triggers off another spiral thing.
I didn't mean what I said, or I don't mean it now: about why stop something that gives me so much relief. Maybe at the time it relieves feelings, but I spend weeks feeling guilty and the rest of my life regretting it. The truth is I should have sought help a lot sooner. My friends and family have been fantastic with me this summer, but they shouldn't of had to put up with me the way they did. I should be able to control my own emotions, and I shouldn't of put upon them the way I did.
I haven't had the guts to tell the people who've been helping me through this that I did it again. I told one person, I heard the disappointment in their voice. It hurt me to the core. Knowing that I did that, made them feel that way. Time has come to take action of this problem, to take control of my emotions and my life. In less than 48 hours I will have left almost all of the triggers behind. I'm starting again. I know I can beat this. I have amazing support in my friends and family and soon I will be getting the right help.
My latest relapse has only made me more determined to sort myself out. I owe it to the friends who've put in so much time talking to me about this, to my family for causing them so much distress and to myself so that I can be happy.
On another note, my idiotic uncle was here again, spent the day throwing insults and talking down to me. He even called me back into the room so he could 'dismiss'/'shoo' me away and put his finger on the exact spot he wanted his tea. Tw*t. But I just let it go, and I couldn't feel better for it :) From now on I'm going to aim to let things go easier. I don't want all these pent up feelings of resentment and dislike in me; it brings out more negativity; something that I could do without.
Hoping to try out cognitive behavioral therapy, then I can let you wonderful people know how it works.
Moral of the story?
When you get yourself knocked down, pick yourself back of, dust down, smile, forget the past and move on. This is made a lot easier by having amazing friends - like I do :)
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
Sunday 16 September 2012
Knives and Vodka
Tis the way forward! So today i got really really upset. AGAIN. See the pattern? So I did it again. and it made me feel better.
Why would I give up something that makes me feel better? Is there any sense?
I'm a horrible person anyway - always playing mind games and trying to break up family bonds. Those acts should be punished right?
Right.
Maybe that's why everyone hates me. Even my own family.
Screw everyone. Love is poison!
Why would I give up something that makes me feel better? Is there any sense?
I'm a horrible person anyway - always playing mind games and trying to break up family bonds. Those acts should be punished right?
Right.
Maybe that's why everyone hates me. Even my own family.
Screw everyone. Love is poison!
Saturday 15 September 2012
01:50am
I can't sleep. Surprise, surprise. My eyes feel heavy, like they want to sleep, but I don't want to lie down for fear of what will swim through my mind. Its easy to get carried away by thoughts this way. Especially for me. But on the bright side 7 days left until I leave.
I have had somewhat of a rough day. Well, probably feels a lot worse than it is. Mostly based on trivial matters. My nan. Her stupid cafe. I remember growing up thinking that I had two nans (mum and dads mums) but one was there for love, and one cared about the cafe more but she bought us things. We never went without uniform or toys. I am grateful, of course I am, but I can't help but feel neglected somewhat. I don't recall ever spending a lot of time with them; judging this is a good thing.. I don't think I would have wanted to spend more time with them. Well maybe with my Nan, that might have been nice.
Anyway today's trivial matter was this: 'working' in the cafe (flat out non stop for 3 hours) nan tells me to cook myself something, so I do. Then a customer orders what I was cooking, so she gives it to them. Possibly the most annoying thing she can do when either me or my sister are cooking our own food - we cook things the way we want, not pilled up with a load of oiled poured over it - to then have it taken away because she 'needs' it. Or she could just cook some of her own? Like she would do if we hadn't had that particular taste that day? So when she did this today I am mildly peeved. Then She tells me to go fetch the chips, then complains that I shouldn't have because they were left over, so being as there is enough for a meal and they are 'burnt' by my nan's standards, perfect by mine I suggest myself eating them so they don't waste, pointing out she gave my lunch away (this makes her a tad funny with me). Because she's stubborn she then put me a replacement meal to cook. So I went from having no lunch, to having two! Then she spent her time marching between the two kitchens grumbling to herself about how she "can't do it all by herself", she's done this meal and that meal and blah blah blah. She must have done this about 4 or 5 times and I was still biting my tongue. and then she came down into the kitchen where I was eating (yeah, didn't get a break to eat - have to hork it down on the job - not a fan!) and said "you're going to have to give me a hand" at this, I don't know whether it was her tone, or the fact she kept trying to make me feel guilty for eating or what but I snapped. Threw my lunch in the bin. She just looked at me and said "that's disgusting" So I replied that it would have gone to waste anyway and she just went on about it being disgusting to throw away food (normally I would completely agree, but I wouldn't say that to her) so I told her she had to find someone else to work next week. Then she did her usual "oh fuck off, fuck the lot of you, I can't cope with thisblah blah blah" I was this close (-----) to walking off and doing my own thing. She thinks my life at the moment is to slave away in the cafe and then serve her every whim!
We didn't speak for the rest of the afternoon. It was bliss. Not having someone asking me to pass them things every 5 seconds, then telling me off for not doing what I was meant to be. I should mention that when she called me to help when I was eating my lunch - it was for one sandwich. Which even I could have done by myself. I swear she tells me to do these things and the moment I agree she suddenly thinks its a bad idea, then has a go at me for it!
This evening I came upstairs and I was so cold that I climbed into bed. I just couldn't get warm enough. Text my brother asking him to come over (I was scared) and he just text asking what was wrong. Didn't come over or anything. Then I told him that (and I have no idea how to say this without sounding extremely dramatic) I thought I was dying. Not the 'OMG' panic way, but in a way that I felt emotionally and pysically numb. I suppose that is the best way to describe it. So he rings both my nan and my dad and tells them. I know he was only trying to help but neither of them are at the top of my confidant list. My dad phoned and suggested it was the flu, my nan had a little taunt. and THAT is why she isnt on the list! My dad isn't on the list because when I went to him about my self harm issue, saying I wanted to get help, to beat it for good, his response was "are you doing it for attention?" Like I'm not a moron. If I wanted his attention I would get it, I wouldn't harm myself to get it, that is moronic.
My brother still didn't come and see me though. I don't expect him to drop his life and come running for me, but he's known for weeks about my situation and said if I ever needed him I should tell him. Today I did, I really needed him here, I was terrified of the fact I couldn't get warm. And he didn't come.
Moral of the story?
I have the luck of the draw! Two psychotic nans who make up lies about me...Maybe its me?
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
I have had somewhat of a rough day. Well, probably feels a lot worse than it is. Mostly based on trivial matters. My nan. Her stupid cafe. I remember growing up thinking that I had two nans (mum and dads mums) but one was there for love, and one cared about the cafe more but she bought us things. We never went without uniform or toys. I am grateful, of course I am, but I can't help but feel neglected somewhat. I don't recall ever spending a lot of time with them; judging this is a good thing.. I don't think I would have wanted to spend more time with them. Well maybe with my Nan, that might have been nice.
Anyway today's trivial matter was this: 'working' in the cafe (flat out non stop for 3 hours) nan tells me to cook myself something, so I do. Then a customer orders what I was cooking, so she gives it to them. Possibly the most annoying thing she can do when either me or my sister are cooking our own food - we cook things the way we want, not pilled up with a load of oiled poured over it - to then have it taken away because she 'needs' it. Or she could just cook some of her own? Like she would do if we hadn't had that particular taste that day? So when she did this today I am mildly peeved. Then She tells me to go fetch the chips, then complains that I shouldn't have because they were left over, so being as there is enough for a meal and they are 'burnt' by my nan's standards, perfect by mine I suggest myself eating them so they don't waste, pointing out she gave my lunch away (this makes her a tad funny with me). Because she's stubborn she then put me a replacement meal to cook. So I went from having no lunch, to having two! Then she spent her time marching between the two kitchens grumbling to herself about how she "can't do it all by herself", she's done this meal and that meal and blah blah blah. She must have done this about 4 or 5 times and I was still biting my tongue. and then she came down into the kitchen where I was eating (yeah, didn't get a break to eat - have to hork it down on the job - not a fan!) and said "you're going to have to give me a hand" at this, I don't know whether it was her tone, or the fact she kept trying to make me feel guilty for eating or what but I snapped. Threw my lunch in the bin. She just looked at me and said "that's disgusting" So I replied that it would have gone to waste anyway and she just went on about it being disgusting to throw away food (normally I would completely agree, but I wouldn't say that to her) so I told her she had to find someone else to work next week. Then she did her usual "oh fuck off, fuck the lot of you, I can't cope with thisblah blah blah" I was this close (-----) to walking off and doing my own thing. She thinks my life at the moment is to slave away in the cafe and then serve her every whim!
We didn't speak for the rest of the afternoon. It was bliss. Not having someone asking me to pass them things every 5 seconds, then telling me off for not doing what I was meant to be. I should mention that when she called me to help when I was eating my lunch - it was for one sandwich. Which even I could have done by myself. I swear she tells me to do these things and the moment I agree she suddenly thinks its a bad idea, then has a go at me for it!
This evening I came upstairs and I was so cold that I climbed into bed. I just couldn't get warm enough. Text my brother asking him to come over (I was scared) and he just text asking what was wrong. Didn't come over or anything. Then I told him that (and I have no idea how to say this without sounding extremely dramatic) I thought I was dying. Not the 'OMG' panic way, but in a way that I felt emotionally and pysically numb. I suppose that is the best way to describe it. So he rings both my nan and my dad and tells them. I know he was only trying to help but neither of them are at the top of my confidant list. My dad phoned and suggested it was the flu, my nan had a little taunt. and THAT is why she isnt on the list! My dad isn't on the list because when I went to him about my self harm issue, saying I wanted to get help, to beat it for good, his response was "are you doing it for attention?" Like I'm not a moron. If I wanted his attention I would get it, I wouldn't harm myself to get it, that is moronic.
My brother still didn't come and see me though. I don't expect him to drop his life and come running for me, but he's known for weeks about my situation and said if I ever needed him I should tell him. Today I did, I really needed him here, I was terrified of the fact I couldn't get warm. And he didn't come.
Moral of the story?
I have the luck of the draw! Two psychotic nans who make up lies about me...Maybe its me?
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
Thursday 13 September 2012
Storm in a teacup
So now I've calmed down. I know exactly what triggered it. But I don't want to think about it for fear of starting over again. And the thought of this person triggering it is very saddening to me.
Looking back on last night, its weird, like I wasn't really myself, I was irrational, rapidly breathing and not thinking straight. I didn't do it if you were wondering. I managed to swerve it around. Thanks largely on part to my friends. What fabulous people they are. After I had calmed down I decided to take some ibuprofen in the hope it would make me sleep - it did - mid conversation with one of the friends that has supported me from the start. Woke up at 6 am to find my light and laptop still on :/
8 days until I go back to uni. Back home. I cannot wait. For I fear the longer I stay here, the harder it will be to pull myself out of this self destruct mode. It is getting increasingly harder to keep my thoughts on track. When it gets hard I just think about making it back to uni. Its turned into my safe-zone. If I can get there, I can get back to the happy me :)
I saw my uneducated, egoTESTICLE uncle yesterday. Spent the day telling me I was his 'employee' therefore did not need to say please when he ordered me to get him a drink. Apparently employing someone deems manners obsolete. This statement would be dumb even if I was his 'employee'. Sad matter of the fact is I am helping my nan, so if the label would have to be thrown into the mix I would be her employee. Just another self obsessed idiot claiming power through their parents. This didn't bother me so much. Not really. Its one of those *think what an idiot he is then move on with my life* moments. Then he punched me. Hard. Not full force but enough to make my skin sting. Why? Because of a stupid USB memory pen. My granddad asked if it was mine, I said no (having not seen it in years - it was my granddad's) he looked at me puzzled and I continued on describing it, saying the lid had a neck piece to hang around his neck. He looked at me again and asked where it was (like I said I hadn't seen this thing for years, not since I was younger) When I replied I had no idea, my uncle hit me. How the hell was I meant to know that?! He buys so much electrical crap he can't keep up with it, pair that with my nan's need to throw anything and everything away she can get her hands on and it's a recipe for disaster.
Moral of the story?
Friends really are the family you choose :)
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxxx
Looking back on last night, its weird, like I wasn't really myself, I was irrational, rapidly breathing and not thinking straight. I didn't do it if you were wondering. I managed to swerve it around. Thanks largely on part to my friends. What fabulous people they are. After I had calmed down I decided to take some ibuprofen in the hope it would make me sleep - it did - mid conversation with one of the friends that has supported me from the start. Woke up at 6 am to find my light and laptop still on :/
8 days until I go back to uni. Back home. I cannot wait. For I fear the longer I stay here, the harder it will be to pull myself out of this self destruct mode. It is getting increasingly harder to keep my thoughts on track. When it gets hard I just think about making it back to uni. Its turned into my safe-zone. If I can get there, I can get back to the happy me :)
I saw my uneducated, egoTESTICLE uncle yesterday. Spent the day telling me I was his 'employee' therefore did not need to say please when he ordered me to get him a drink. Apparently employing someone deems manners obsolete. This statement would be dumb even if I was his 'employee'. Sad matter of the fact is I am helping my nan, so if the label would have to be thrown into the mix I would be her employee. Just another self obsessed idiot claiming power through their parents. This didn't bother me so much. Not really. Its one of those *think what an idiot he is then move on with my life* moments. Then he punched me. Hard. Not full force but enough to make my skin sting. Why? Because of a stupid USB memory pen. My granddad asked if it was mine, I said no (having not seen it in years - it was my granddad's) he looked at me puzzled and I continued on describing it, saying the lid had a neck piece to hang around his neck. He looked at me again and asked where it was (like I said I hadn't seen this thing for years, not since I was younger) When I replied I had no idea, my uncle hit me. How the hell was I meant to know that?! He buys so much electrical crap he can't keep up with it, pair that with my nan's need to throw anything and everything away she can get her hands on and it's a recipe for disaster.
Moral of the story?
Friends really are the family you choose :)
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxxx
Wednesday 12 September 2012
Its happening again...
I can feel the feeling comeback
i need to
i think i wioll soon
i dont want to
please god i hope i dont.
I want to be normal
i need to
i think i wioll soon
i dont want to
please god i hope i dont.
I want to be normal
Controlling is not the word...
I am so ANGRY
So unf*cking believeable
ffs why is he such a tw*t
My step dad has unfriended me from my MUMS facebook account and BLOCKED me so I cant send messages.
CONTROLLING much??
I didn't do anything!! Oh wait - I tagged my dad in a photo and THAT pissed him off. Seriously? Grow the f*ck up and get over yourself. He's my f*cking dad!
Screw the lot of them. Its not worth it.
Moral of the story?
Once a controlling, bad tempered, anti-social, sulking, selfish, rude, tw*tish, idiotic moron, always a controlling, bad tempered, anti-social, sulking, selfish, rude, tw*tish, idiotic moron. There is just no helping some people.
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
So unf*cking believeable
ffs why is he such a tw*t
My step dad has unfriended me from my MUMS facebook account and BLOCKED me so I cant send messages.
CONTROLLING much??
I didn't do anything!! Oh wait - I tagged my dad in a photo and THAT pissed him off. Seriously? Grow the f*ck up and get over yourself. He's my f*cking dad!
Screw the lot of them. Its not worth it.
Moral of the story?
Once a controlling, bad tempered, anti-social, sulking, selfish, rude, tw*tish, idiotic moron, always a controlling, bad tempered, anti-social, sulking, selfish, rude, tw*tish, idiotic moron. There is just no helping some people.
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
Monday 10 September 2012
Road to recovery
It has taken me a week to build up the courage to write another post. It hasn't been easy and today I came close to repeating that mistake. Too close. I'm not even sure what I was so upset about. Its all of the little upsetting things that are starting to get to me, always feel so much worse and I know its because of the amount of time I have spent around these things that are making me feel this way. I need to get out. I can't wait to leave. 10 days and I'll be back to being me, still with the sleep issues, but away from the every day reminders, triggers and insults.
I have finally managed to sort out counselling! I feel like I've finally accomplished something in this fight to get rid of these feelings, thanks to a good friend I know how to go about getting the counselling from the university when I go back.
So not only is it 10 days until I get away from this, but also 10 days until I can get the help I need. Finally. It's only taken all summer long to feel like I'm getting somewhere. I truly hope that I will feel better when I leave. If not, it will feel like i've wasted my time or something.
Moral of the story?
Persevere - help is there, it just takes time, patience and good friends to find it! Small victories lead to long term defeat!
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
I have finally managed to sort out counselling! I feel like I've finally accomplished something in this fight to get rid of these feelings, thanks to a good friend I know how to go about getting the counselling from the university when I go back.
So not only is it 10 days until I get away from this, but also 10 days until I can get the help I need. Finally. It's only taken all summer long to feel like I'm getting somewhere. I truly hope that I will feel better when I leave. If not, it will feel like i've wasted my time or something.
Moral of the story?
Persevere - help is there, it just takes time, patience and good friends to find it! Small victories lead to long term defeat!
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
Sunday 2 September 2012
Nitty Gritty
POSSIBLY TRIGGERING!!
When I started this blog my aim was to help people understand. Well, now I can say it must include all the nitty gritty bits.
So finally after months of trying to find it, seeking professional help and finding none, finding some fantastic friends, I gave in. Now all i'm left with is an arm that stings and a numb empty feeling. I feel ashamed. I hate myself for doing this. I feel like i've let down the people who supported me. Particularly one of my friends, who stayed up with me until past 2am because he knew I was terrified of sleeping. I feel I've let him down the most. If it wasn't for wanting to not let him down this would of happened a lot sooner.
This isn't just because of my previous posts today, its a conglomeration of things. All of them crashing down on me at once. I couldn't handle it this time.
I am truly sorry.
Moral of the story?
Cant escape my demons. Don't give up!
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
When I started this blog my aim was to help people understand. Well, now I can say it must include all the nitty gritty bits.
So finally after months of trying to find it, seeking professional help and finding none, finding some fantastic friends, I gave in. Now all i'm left with is an arm that stings and a numb empty feeling. I feel ashamed. I hate myself for doing this. I feel like i've let down the people who supported me. Particularly one of my friends, who stayed up with me until past 2am because he knew I was terrified of sleeping. I feel I've let him down the most. If it wasn't for wanting to not let him down this would of happened a lot sooner.
This isn't just because of my previous posts today, its a conglomeration of things. All of them crashing down on me at once. I couldn't handle it this time.
I am truly sorry.
Moral of the story?
Cant escape my demons. Don't give up!
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
Why do I bother?
So I went through a lot of trouble to organise a nice date for my bf. As a surprise. I booked a table at a really nice restaurant and bought movie tickets. Today I asked him if we were still on for the date tomorrow. He said we could but warned me that he wouldn't be as happy as usual. This just completely took the wind out of my sails. Its not just because of this one time, its because this isn't uncommon. I try my hardest and I always end up feeling like I shouldn't have bothered, it wasn't appreciated and I wasted my time.
Nothing ever seems to be good enough. I just can't win. Feeling very low right now. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on for.
Moral of the story?
One sided relationships are never healthy. Always end up with people getting hurt. - What's that? Why am I not taking my own advice you ask? Simply I'm an idiot. Trying to fight for a three year relationship that is clearly over and I just can't accept that fact.
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
Nothing ever seems to be good enough. I just can't win. Feeling very low right now. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on for.
Moral of the story?
One sided relationships are never healthy. Always end up with people getting hurt. - What's that? Why am I not taking my own advice you ask? Simply I'm an idiot. Trying to fight for a three year relationship that is clearly over and I just can't accept that fact.
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
Saturday 1 September 2012
Loss of a loved one
Today is my wonderful Granddad's birthday. He would be 77. Sadly died, Christmas eve 2009. Worst Christmas ever. I was devastated. Still am to be honest. Spent the majority of the day thinking about him. All the good memories with him. He used to have the most odd sayings; swede = head, paws = hands, beak = nose/mouth. And odd little quips "funny peculiar or funny haha?" Always joking around, like a big kid. On of my earliest memories with him is of me bugging him to let me help him water the plants in the garden with him. He was an avid gardener, always producing the most beautiful flowers, I loved going to their house when the flowers were in bloom.
This morning I awoke from a nightmare; always the same one. I was dripping in sweat and just couldn't get the images out of my mind. It was like reliving it. All over again. For the thousandth time. So I got up and went to the gym for an hour, then swam. Felt so much better for it. Then I went for a walk with an old friend and we just talked. It was nice to be away from the house, the triggers and everything for a while.
Not looking forward to sleeping tonight. I know because of this morning it won't be pleasant
I'm not sure there is a moral this time...
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
Ignorance is bliss
Feels like ages since I wrote a post. Well it kind of has been.. so alot has happened this week; my brother basically ruined my dad's birthday because his girlfriend thinks the world revolves around her. I hate them both with a passion and now by some weird twist of fate I'm somehow making her birthday cake... O.o no idea how I got myself into that one - probably by not thinking up an excuse to get out of it fast enough...
But I'mmmmm ouuuuttttttaaaaaa hereeeeeeee! :D I'm getting my masters funded! So I get out of here in 3 weeks! I cant wait; then I can stop feeling like this emotional wreck and actually feel like me again. I got called 'idle' today; in a "jokey, but having a dig kind of way" my uncle- the uneducated, knuckle dragging, moronic, man who has an astronomical case of little man syndrome. Oh and he's almost bald too... The classic case of him putting someone else down to make himself feel better... this has happened before, always will. To be honest I pity him, he lacks the capacity to understand the value of education, that I am not idle, that I am working hard to educate myself to a high standard, to then be able to go forward into the world and get a good job. Whilst he works on a building site weather permitting. I have nothing against that type of work, or any type of work for that matter, I respect that people make of them selves what they are willing to put in, but I do get irked when people try to make fun of me for wanting an education. Especially then when I have to dumb down my language because they don't understand what a degree is (not my uncle - some other t*sspot) literally didn't know what it was:I explained it was higher up than A Levels and GCSEs... didnt have a clue what they were either... Well what do you expect from dodgy 'as f**k' people who try and scam everyone left right and center? Even supposed family? What a joke.
I told a good friend about an experience that I never thought I could share with someone outside of my 'trust circle' (for lack of better terminology) I've grown to trust him a lot over the past few weeks and it felt really nice not to have someone just patiently listen. I've told 2 of my boyfriends (the serious ones), my sister and my mum. Both of my boy friends have been overwhelmingly angry the moment I told them, one even having to leave the conversation to lie down because he was so angry, the other just cuddled me tightly and apologised. I don't know what to expect when I think about telling people. But today it just felt right, like I could let this person in, completely. Without him, I would truly be a mess, an emotional wreck. So thank you mystery man ( I know who you are don't worry) :P
Moral of the story?
Ignore the ignorant ones, let them live in their ignorance, one day they will realise. Trust someone, in your heart you will know who they are :)
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
But I'mmmmm ouuuuttttttaaaaaa hereeeeeeee! :D I'm getting my masters funded! So I get out of here in 3 weeks! I cant wait; then I can stop feeling like this emotional wreck and actually feel like me again. I got called 'idle' today; in a "jokey, but having a dig kind of way" my uncle- the uneducated, knuckle dragging, moronic, man who has an astronomical case of little man syndrome. Oh and he's almost bald too... The classic case of him putting someone else down to make himself feel better... this has happened before, always will. To be honest I pity him, he lacks the capacity to understand the value of education, that I am not idle, that I am working hard to educate myself to a high standard, to then be able to go forward into the world and get a good job. Whilst he works on a building site weather permitting. I have nothing against that type of work, or any type of work for that matter, I respect that people make of them selves what they are willing to put in, but I do get irked when people try to make fun of me for wanting an education. Especially then when I have to dumb down my language because they don't understand what a degree is (not my uncle - some other t*sspot) literally didn't know what it was:I explained it was higher up than A Levels and GCSEs... didnt have a clue what they were either... Well what do you expect from dodgy 'as f**k' people who try and scam everyone left right and center? Even supposed family? What a joke.
I told a good friend about an experience that I never thought I could share with someone outside of my 'trust circle' (for lack of better terminology) I've grown to trust him a lot over the past few weeks and it felt really nice not to have someone just patiently listen. I've told 2 of my boyfriends (the serious ones), my sister and my mum. Both of my boy friends have been overwhelmingly angry the moment I told them, one even having to leave the conversation to lie down because he was so angry, the other just cuddled me tightly and apologised. I don't know what to expect when I think about telling people. But today it just felt right, like I could let this person in, completely. Without him, I would truly be a mess, an emotional wreck. So thank you mystery man ( I know who you are don't worry) :P
Moral of the story?
Ignore the ignorant ones, let them live in their ignorance, one day they will realise. Trust someone, in your heart you will know who they are :)
Much Love
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
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