In less than 24 hours I went from happy, sharing the fact that I write here to scared and guarded. It is completely in my head. There is no actual physical problem, apart from the distance. Sometimes it feels like my head doesn't want me to be happy sometimes.
I can feel myself pushing him away.
Do I ask him for space?
Panda Girl 2
xxxx
About Me
- PandaGirl2
- Contact me at panda.girl2@yahoo.co.uk Much Love Panda Girl 2 xxxx
Monday 29 July 2013
Guided by a beating heart
Haven't posted anything in a while, because I have not felt the need to. All urges to self harm have gone, I have reached a stable level of happiness.
I read yesterday that any woman who trusts a man 100% is a "mug"; for me this seemed incredibly harsh, I feel for the lady that said this, to have lost her faith in men enough to campaign for other women to do the same, it's that age old scenario, she is hurting, so she wants others around her to hurt. I have no issue saying I trust my man 100%. Although, admitting this does make me feel vulnerable, especially given my past. I do find it hard to trust people, extremely hard. Once it has been broken that's it, I find it very hard to trust that person again, nigh impossible, which can weigh heavily on a relationship I can tell you!
I am a strong believer that you should never let your happiness rely on another person, sure they will have a strong influence, but I would like to think I can be happy by myself. This being said I think this is why I was in such a bad place before Christmas. The person you're with can leave you feeling on top of the world, but they can also make you feel worthless, sometimes without you even realising it. I certainly didn't otherwise I would have ended things a lot sooner. It wasn't until I let this person go completely I felt such a weight had been lifted. All the negativity had gone with him. I felt like me again, which felt so normal, the most normal I'd felt in years, there was no nagging feeling in the bottom of my stomach, no pain in my abdomen from fearing the worst and, best of all, no heavy heart. I knew I had done my best to make it work and in this moment realised I had been over this person for months. I was perfectly happy to move on.
The past few months have been hard on my family, tensions building with my brother and his fiancée. But through everything my sister is the one there for me, both as crazy as one another, she's there to support me 100% always, everyone else needs a little encouragement.
Masters is stressful. data collection is stressful. survey design is stressful. statistics analysis is fun.. haha if only it could be a statistics thing!
Much love
Panda Girl 2
xxxxxx
I read yesterday that any woman who trusts a man 100% is a "mug"; for me this seemed incredibly harsh, I feel for the lady that said this, to have lost her faith in men enough to campaign for other women to do the same, it's that age old scenario, she is hurting, so she wants others around her to hurt. I have no issue saying I trust my man 100%. Although, admitting this does make me feel vulnerable, especially given my past. I do find it hard to trust people, extremely hard. Once it has been broken that's it, I find it very hard to trust that person again, nigh impossible, which can weigh heavily on a relationship I can tell you!
I am a strong believer that you should never let your happiness rely on another person, sure they will have a strong influence, but I would like to think I can be happy by myself. This being said I think this is why I was in such a bad place before Christmas. The person you're with can leave you feeling on top of the world, but they can also make you feel worthless, sometimes without you even realising it. I certainly didn't otherwise I would have ended things a lot sooner. It wasn't until I let this person go completely I felt such a weight had been lifted. All the negativity had gone with him. I felt like me again, which felt so normal, the most normal I'd felt in years, there was no nagging feeling in the bottom of my stomach, no pain in my abdomen from fearing the worst and, best of all, no heavy heart. I knew I had done my best to make it work and in this moment realised I had been over this person for months. I was perfectly happy to move on.
The past few months have been hard on my family, tensions building with my brother and his fiancée. But through everything my sister is the one there for me, both as crazy as one another, she's there to support me 100% always, everyone else needs a little encouragement.
Masters is stressful. data collection is stressful. survey design is stressful. statistics analysis is fun.. haha if only it could be a statistics thing!
Much love
Panda Girl 2
xxxxxx
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