The Cringe Reel

Usually when I worry about something (money, diss, family, boyfriend) and I'm trying to drift off to sleep my head decides it will make it harder for me to drift off to sleep by playing what I call the Cringe Reel; made up of my most embarrassing, tit like moments, on loop in my head. It gets me so worked up that I'm restless and sleep is impossible. I have been trying to get into this routine of not doing this but I just seem so wide awake when I decide it's time to sleep. I get very worked up I get hot and flustered. 

Just can't wait to finish this masters course. I am so much looking forward to not having to worry about my diss, the hotel, money, time, moving, fitting a personal life into the little amount of time I have in my life right now.  The night I hand my dissertation in will be the best night sleep I get probably since this time last year. This year has been so intense and a lot harder than I anticipated.

At the moment I am trying to focus on what I want after I have finished, a job, to be living with my boyfriend and to be happy :) it is what is getting me through this tough time. Its so nice to get on with his family so well, they are lovely and are so lovely to me, its such a nice change from the last one, I now realise I did not have the problem there, she was just unhinged... I am looking forward to spending more time with them when I next see them, especially his almost sister-in-law who has invited me to possibly go to a wedding fayre! I have never been to one so am curious as to what it is; a posher version of a farmers market maybe? Would be nice to see everything I guess, I have not really thought about what I would want for my wedding since I was a lot younger. 

When I was younger and wanted to be a fashion designer I used to draw different wedding dresses, not always necessarily for me, but the one I always drew for me had a fitted bodice with lace, the lace reaching up to my neckline and part way down my arms and the skirt was an A-line with the lace again. A few of my friends have asked me recently what I would want and to be honest I have absolutely no idea!! Something that flatters my figure, possibly something with an empire line, lace of course, in off-white or ivory with gold highlights. Not sure if I would suit pearls, but if I did I would like warm coloured pearls - gold or rose tinged, with white and gold flowers. I would like a lillies somewhere, even if they represent death (I think) but they were my Granddad's favourite flower (as well as mine, close to roses) and he is very dear to my heart. I can think of nothing worse than getting married in a straight up and down building, want to get married somewhere quirky that has character, is unique and beautiful. I used to want to get married in the church my parents were married in, but I think it would upset a few people :/

Bet you are thinking for someone that has not thought about it there is a lot of detail! Haha, I think that now too, but when people ask me I always feel on the spot! Oh well!

Don't know why I'm talking weddings, not even engaged! I like to think that it will end in marriage at some point, seeing as we have spoken about trying for a baby once we're settled and stuff, would be nice to have the same name I guess, marriage is less of a big deal for me than having a baby. I mean both are a big deal, but with marriage if it doesn't work you can just walk away (not that I plan or want to!) it still hurts but it just affects the two people involved, whereas bringing a child into the world, if it doesn't work, there is no do-over. You are responsible for that little life for the rest of your life, it bonds you with someone in a way nothing else can. If you screw up they suffer too. That scares me.

So now I feel a lot more relaxed and a little sleepy again, think I've tired myself out so am going to watch some trashy TV and fall asleep.

Blogging makes me feel a lot better, even if no one reads me! :P

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx