From ripples to tidal waves

The one thing that has always annoyed me about myself is how much I let my mood change based on my significant other's actions. Don't particularly want to air the details, but tonight I tried my best to create a romantic gesture, long story short had to back out last minute and hide the evidence. I don't really know the word for how I feel, not upset, not angry, maybe a little bit put out I guess, confused any way and I feel that the way I feel is more than I should feel, if that makes sense? If I was to use the word upset for how I feel, I feel I am more upset than I ought to be. But I'm not upset..

Ok, confusing myself now..

I know he feels bad, think he thinks I'm mad at him. Just feel a bit embarrassed I guess. 

I just hate how much I don't take control of my feelings. This is why I ended up in a bad place all those months ago, I just couldn't pull myself out of feeling sad, thinking about everything and people who had wronged me in my life. It is such an unhealthy way to be, its how I worked my way into that unhappy person I used to be. Everytime I find myself feeling sad and feel it's more than I should feel, I worry that I will end up working my way back into that cycle of feeling down so thinking about the things that had gone wrong in my life, so feeling worse and it just continuing until I feel trapped and need to make myself feel better, end up cutting or something. It's a terrifying feeling, almost scared of myself. But it's an issue I need to sort out myself, not put on others.

I am not sure how I worked myself out of this cycle, I have no doubt about it that a large part of this was due to two very special people in my life, both beginning with K (if either of you read this, you know I'm talking about you!) that helped me do it. I have no intention of going back to the way I was, but I know they'd always be there for me.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx