Dealing with myself...

Sometimes I find it hard to deal with my own emotions. All of a sudden I have these feelings running around after each other and my stomach goes all queasy... Not sure why; it is hard to try to controll, its not a nice feeling at all. Especially if not addressed as it can give me stomach pains and have other effects that do not need details... Every time I feel like im going to lose him or he has lost interest in me it feels like my heart will fall out of ny butt, with all of my other appendeges.

Im having a hard time with the fact that he could hurt me if he wanted to, I dreamt last night that he did - punched me in the back of my head after "rescuing" me from my ex...

I guess im just not an easy person to keep happy; im too paranoid and distrustful of people. Every relationship I have has ebded in disappointment, except for my two sisters. Not that I love my brother any less than them, but we have grown distant these past two years.

I can put these bad relationships down to the two most influential relationships I had growing up, both of which should have been nurturing but in reality were the complete opposite, leaving me kind of emotionally damaged; my mum and my paternal nan.

My mother and I will always have a strained relationship as I feel she has done little on.tje way of taking care of my siblings and I and is always using her own needs before theirs.

My nan and I don't even have a relationship. She is still not talking to me despite me approaching her and offering the olive branch over 2 year period. Even though when applying for uni she said "its a pie in the sky dream" guess what I came top of my class, did a masters and now applying for a PhD.

Everything I have been through has made me strong, independent and determined. Sometimes I may feel and act broken, but these are only blips. When I think of everything I have been through and everything I have achieved, I actually feel quite proud of myself. A rarity I can tell you...

But it has also hardened me to everything else. For example I now work around people who have committed a crime and are being punished for it. This has made me lose faith in the system many times over and I also read alot of cases where a rough childhood has been blamed for the offending and I always think "no excuse". Because although I hate to think of myself as a victim, that's what I was all of those years ago. I couldn't do much about it at the time, but now I choose to be something else, to make more of myself, to live my life how I want. It is always a choice. You can let that person ruin your life or you can fight back. That is the sweetest vengence.

Panda Girl 2
Xxxx