its hard to escape the past

Working where I do, reading what I read and seeing what I see in my everyday job is hard. It makes it hard to put what happened behind me, extremely hard, but in a weird way it has also made me thankful that what happened was not worse. Well I assume it was not worse. I can only remember parts. Its like my head doesn't want me to remember. Its all fuzzy when I try, which is few and far between admittedly but only for reassurance that it wasn't as bad as it could of been.

I am struggling with this at the moment. I find myself wanting to go running most evenings, as I only usually do when im extremely upset. However I have taken to walking to and from work instead which is about a 2 mile round trip. It gives me time to think, expell energy and give me a release. A much better release than self harming does. I've told people its to get fit and save money, which albeit is true, its only half of the reason.

So far it seems to be working. I feel myself getting back into the negative cycle. Its easier to pull myself out of it than it was before, for reasons unknown. I am happy most of the time, I do miss my family terribly though. Its hard being away from my sister, she's the one I miss the most, we are very close. Probably because of our mum, not a good reason but because she left I feel like I've had to take on her role of looking after my siblings. I may mot have cooked everynight or did the washing ECT as my nan likes to continually rub in our faces, but I have fiercely protected them. More my sister than my brother. I do resent her for that. I feel like I've had to fill in where she has failed to protect us as a mother. When I found out what had happened to my sister I also found out my mother knew we had been through similar experiences but had tried to stop us telling each other. She'd known for years. When I found out I confronted the accused. It nay not have been explosive or threatening, but it was the single most terrifying moment of my life. Afterwards I cried. I felt empowered. In that moment I knew I would do anything for her, that I could do anything for her. I feel like that should have been ny mum, years ago when she found out about both of us.

When I told her what I done she just said "thank you for being braver than I ever could" since then we have had a rocky relationship. On the surface it looks normal, we laugh talk alot but underneath its complicated. On her side guilt and on mine love hate and resentment.

Its a weird feeling loving and hating someone. I have no feelings towards the accused. Wouldn't shed a tear if they died. Would feel relief I suppose.

Ok I lied.. Without meaning to! I hate the accused, but not because of what they did to me, because of what they have done to my family. For making us subject to that distinct fear of being alone with them. Its like nothing else I have ever known. Burning every muscle in my body, urging me to run, screaming, but at the same time rooting firmly to the spot, making escape impossible.

This haunts my dreams.

Panda Girl 2

xxxxx