I could be the one

A few evenings ago, my boyfriend told me that he didn't believe in soul mates but knew I was the one. I know what he means and to anyone looking in, they must think "cute young love" and not really regard it much more than that. But it has never felt more real. I have had a few boyfriends, not many whom I've slept with, but knowing all the problems I had in those relationships and now, not comparing them, but finally feeling like I click completely with someone. That we are really a perfect match, finally found my one :)

He is just everything I want in a man, I wouldn't change a single thing about him, he's perfect. He does these little sentimental things, I have been keeping a happy jar since January (write on little notes things that have made you happy) I'm quite lucky in the timing of it to be honest, it has recorded how our relationship has developed. He suggested we make it into a little scrap book. It's like me, but male, he likes doing little things for me, I've never had someone treat me so well, he treats me like his everything.

Much Love

Panda Girl 2 

xxxxx

Post storm in a teacup

Yesterday we agreed to move in together, like as soon as I move, not eventually. I'm so happy. Everything I was scared of seems to be a distant memory. 

Things with university however are becoming difficult. It makes me feel as though everything would be easier if I was dead. Don't worry I'm not suicidal. Nor am I depressed. These are thoughts of complete clarity and sobriety. Emotionless almost. Of course everything would be easier if the person in question was dead, no worries, no fears, no problems. But then you wouldn't get to experience living, the small things that bring a smile to my face, walking barefoot in the grass, having the warm sea washing around my ankles, the sun on my shoulders or feeling the sea breeze carry my problems away and the bigger feelings, pride when I see my sister marching in a parade, the smile on the love of my life's face when he looks at me, the feeling of holding him close and the feeling of satisfaction when my dad tells me how proud he is of me. See, even though I feel like it would be easier if I died, I think of all the things I have to live for, my family, my friends, those moments.

If  I ever get scared about the future again, this will be what I try to think about. 

Much Love,

Panda Girl 2 
xxx

I was doing so well

In less than 24 hours I went from happy, sharing the fact that I write here to scared and guarded. It is completely in my head. There is no actual physical problem, apart from the distance. Sometimes it feels like my head doesn't want me to be happy sometimes.

I can feel myself pushing him away.
Do I ask him for space?

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Guided by a beating heart

Haven't posted anything in a while, because I have not felt the need to. All urges to self harm have gone, I have reached a stable level of happiness.

I read yesterday that any woman who trusts a man 100% is a "mug"; for me this seemed incredibly harsh, I feel for the lady that said this, to have lost her faith in men enough to campaign for other women to do the same, it's that age old scenario, she is hurting, so she wants others around her to hurt. I have no issue saying I trust my man 100%. Although, admitting this does make me feel vulnerable, especially given my past. I do find it hard to trust people, extremely hard. Once it has been broken that's it, I find it very hard to trust that person again, nigh impossible, which can weigh heavily on a relationship I can tell you!

I am a strong believer that you should never let your happiness rely on another person, sure they will have a strong influence, but I would like to think I can be happy by myself. This being said I think this is why I was in such a bad place before Christmas. The person you're with can leave you feeling on top of the world, but they can also make you feel worthless, sometimes without you even realising it. I certainly didn't otherwise I would have ended things a lot sooner. It wasn't until I let this person go completely I felt such a weight had been lifted. All the negativity had gone with him. I felt like me again, which felt so normal, the most normal I'd felt in years, there was no nagging feeling in the bottom of my stomach, no pain in my abdomen from fearing the worst and, best of all, no heavy heart. I knew I had done my best to make it work and in this moment realised I had been over this person for months. I was perfectly happy to move on.

The past few months have been hard on my family, tensions building with my brother and his fiancée. But through everything my sister is the one there for me, both as crazy as one another, she's there to support me 100% always, everyone else needs a little encouragement.

Masters is stressful. data collection is stressful. survey design is stressful. statistics analysis is fun.. haha if only it could be a statistics thing!

Much love

Panda Girl 2
xxxxxx

There are no words to describe how happy I am. Life is unbelievably perfect, I am in love with the man of my dreams. Last night during a conversation about coming off the pill, my bf said he wanted to try for a baby with me. I have never had someone treat me the way he treats me; like a Princess. I have never felt so loved, so missed or so complete. Everything feels right with him, I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. 

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Be My Valentine

First post of 2013... Such a long time since I posted, Sorry!! So I have no idea if anyone actually reads this blog. Probably not..

Anyway since discovering my boyfriend had been 'cheating' on me I have tried to cut him out of my life as best I could. My God am I happier for it! Should have done it so long ago.


In other news:

I'm in love!

xxxxx

Storm in a teacup

Things have been better if I'm honest. My bf of 3 years cheated on me, with one of my friends, but I have to see them every week as we are all on a committee for a society at the university. It is horrible. I'm not sure of the extent of the cheating.. but I know there was something going one. What's worse is that I was confiding in my 'friend' all that I was feeling whilst going through this rough patch with my ex. She was then turning and telling him everything. Also actively seeking information asking how I was and If I thought we would get back together, did I want to get back together. So that betrayal hurt more than the lose of the ex.

Saying that I have moved on, surprisingly quickly. It isn't a rebound, which only confirms my suspicions that I should of ended my previous relationship a lot lot sooner. I am so much happier now, every one keeps pointing this out to me, even a friend who I saw for the first time in 2.5 years last weekend! I have fallen completely head over heels.

I try not to compare relationships, but one thing that shocked me is the trust. What it feels like to actually trust someone. My ex used to constantly bitch about me to his family. My new guy is just so attentive and affectionate, its just lovely. Although it is lovely, it does make me sad, to think this is what it could have felt like, I could have been this happy and instead stuck in a relationship that just made me feel down all of the time.

Uni is stressful at the moment. So many literature reviews and study this and survey that. Can't wait for the Easter break, to actually have a break!

In other news, have been accused of "cheating the system" by someone who doesn't understand how the system works, if they did know how the system works, they would know that what they are claiming is impossible to do, even if I wanted to, but surprisingly I have better things to do with my time than sabotage a simple membership process..



Moral of the story?
Careful who you trust. Might come back to haunt you, again and again and again. Try not to get worked up about professional criticisms, especially from people who know nothing of what they speak!

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxxxxx