So today I got upset with my bf. It was a night out for a friend's birthday. I really did have fun and enjoyed the night as a whole. But things just aren't right between me and my bf, I'm not sure what or why. It does break my heart, but at the same time, frustrates me to no end. Tonight all he did was be a little distant with me. This was enough to put a downer on parts of the evening for me. I HATE how much of an influence his behaviour has on my mood. It isn't normal and whenever I get upset about stuff like this I always feel like the 'crazy bitchy girlfriend' its not me.

It annoys me how I can be so happy,then switch suddenly to unhappy in the blink of an eye because of something that has been said, yet it takes me ages to get from sad back to happy. It is so up and down. My bf has taken to not actually saying anything nice to me, he thinks its all banter, but when thats all a person says to you, it becomes tiresome and in all honesty down right rude. But one day we were talking about how I love everything in my life exponentially. He argued I did and I argued I didn't. I asked him for an example of something that was in my life that I didn't love. "straight away he said *** the one name that is guaranteed to bring back instant childhood memories, give me nightmares and generally put me in a bad and unsociable mood. It just seemed so cruel, to use an obvious wound and use it like that, it wasn't even an argument  just a discussion. It felt like he wanted to hurt me and that was why he had said it.

I read things wrong, everything comes across wrong. I know that. He knows that. He knows that I know that. I am trying to fix it (went to see my GP about cognitive behavioural therapy) but  I can't help my feelings and how my emotions run. I just wish he would be more sensitive to these issues.

I wish I was someone else.

Moral of the story?
Wishing is not enough, you have to actively seek change.


Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Radio Silence

Apologies for the silence! I have been a bit hectic moving into my university accommodation!

I will post an actual post tomorrow, when I am not so tired!

Much Love

Panda Girl 2 xxx

Remorse,Shame and Healing

I want to apologise to everyone for how emotionally imbalanced I am. I really feel like i'm on an emotional roller coaster. You cannot fathom how deeply I regret my last post and what I did.

So the previous post I made when I believe I had hit rock bottom. I don't want to go into details of how I ended up there, in case it triggers off another spiral thing.

I didn't mean what I said, or I don't mean it now: about why stop something that gives me so much relief. Maybe at the time it relieves feelings, but I spend weeks feeling guilty and the rest of my life regretting it. The truth is I should have sought help a lot sooner. My friends and family have been fantastic with me this summer, but they shouldn't of had to put up with me the way they did. I should be able to control my own emotions, and I shouldn't of put upon them the way I did.

I haven't had the guts to tell the people who've been helping me through this that I did it again. I told one person, I heard the disappointment in their voice. It hurt me to the core. Knowing that I did that, made them feel that way. Time has come to take action of this problem, to take control of my emotions and my life. In less than 48 hours I will have left almost all of the triggers behind. I'm starting again. I know I can beat this. I have amazing support in my friends and family and soon I will be getting the right help.

My latest relapse has only made me more determined to sort myself out. I owe it to the friends who've put in so much time talking to me about this, to my family for causing them so much distress and to myself so that I can be happy.

On another note, my idiotic uncle was here again, spent the day throwing insults and talking down to me. He even called me back into the room so he could 'dismiss'/'shoo' me away and put his finger on the exact spot he wanted his tea. Tw*t. But I just let it go, and I couldn't feel better for it :) From now on I'm going to aim to let things go easier. I don't want all these pent up feelings of resentment and dislike in me; it brings out more negativity; something that I could do without.

Hoping to try out cognitive behavioral therapy, then I can let you wonderful people know how it works.

Moral of the story?
When you get yourself knocked down, pick yourself back of, dust down, smile, forget the past and move on. This is made a lot easier by having amazing friends - like I do :)

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Knives and Vodka

Tis the way forward! So today i got really really upset. AGAIN. See the pattern? So I did it again. and it made me feel better.

Why would I give up something that makes me feel better? Is there any sense?
I'm a horrible person anyway - always playing mind games and trying to break up family bonds. Those acts should be punished right?

Right.

Maybe that's why everyone hates me. Even my own family.

Screw everyone. Love is poison!

01:50am

I can't sleep. Surprise, surprise. My eyes feel heavy, like they want to sleep, but I don't want to lie down for fear of what will swim through my mind. Its easy to get carried away by thoughts this way. Especially for me. But on the bright side 7 days left until I leave.

I have had somewhat of a rough day. Well, probably feels a lot worse than it is. Mostly based on trivial matters. My nan. Her stupid cafe. I remember growing up thinking that I had two nans (mum and dads mums) but one was there for love, and one cared about the cafe more but she bought us things. We never went without uniform or toys. I am grateful, of course I am, but I can't help but feel neglected somewhat. I don't recall ever spending a lot of time with them; judging this is a good thing.. I don't think I would have wanted to spend more time with them. Well maybe with my Nan, that might have been nice.

Anyway today's trivial matter was this: 'working' in the cafe (flat out non stop for 3 hours) nan tells me to cook myself something, so I do. Then a customer orders what I was cooking, so she gives it to them. Possibly the most annoying thing she can do when either me or my sister are cooking our own food - we cook things the way we want, not pilled up with a load of oiled poured over it - to then have it taken away because she 'needs' it. Or she could just cook some of her own? Like she would do if we hadn't had that particular taste that day? So when she did this today I am mildly peeved. Then She tells me to go fetch the chips, then complains that I shouldn't have because they were left over, so being as there is enough for a meal and they are 'burnt' by my nan's standards, perfect by mine I suggest myself eating them so they don't waste, pointing out she gave my lunch away (this makes her a tad funny with me). Because she's stubborn she then put me a replacement meal to cook. So I went from having no lunch, to having two! Then she spent her time marching between the two kitchens grumbling to herself about how she "can't do it all by herself", she's done this meal and that meal and blah blah blah. She must have done this about 4 or 5 times and I was still biting my tongue. and then she came down into the kitchen where I was eating (yeah, didn't get a break to eat - have to hork it down on the job - not a fan!) and said "you're going to have to give me a hand" at this, I don't know whether it was her tone, or the fact she kept trying to make me feel guilty for eating or what but I snapped. Threw my lunch in the bin. She just looked at me and said "that's disgusting" So I replied that it would have gone to waste anyway and she just went on about it being disgusting to throw away food (normally I would completely agree, but I wouldn't say that to her) so I told her she had to find someone else to work next week. Then she did her usual "oh fuck off, fuck the lot of you, I can't cope with thisblah blah blah" I was this close (-----) to walking off and doing my own thing. She thinks my life at the moment is to slave away in the cafe and then serve her every whim!
We didn't speak for the rest of the afternoon. It was bliss. Not having someone asking me to pass them things every 5 seconds, then telling me off for not doing what I was meant to be. I should mention that when she called me to help when I was eating my lunch - it was for one sandwich. Which even I could have done by myself. I swear she tells me to do these things and the moment I agree she suddenly thinks its a bad idea, then has a go at me for it!

This evening I came upstairs and I was so cold that I climbed into bed. I just couldn't get warm enough. Text my brother asking him to come over (I was scared) and he just text asking what was wrong. Didn't come over or anything. Then I told him that (and I have no idea how to say this without sounding extremely dramatic) I thought I was dying. Not the 'OMG' panic way, but in a way that I felt emotionally and pysically numb. I suppose that is the best way to describe it. So he rings both my nan and my dad and tells them. I know he was only trying to help but neither of them are at the top of my confidant list. My dad phoned and suggested it was the flu, my nan had a little taunt. and THAT is why she isnt on the list! My dad isn't on the list because when I went to him about my self harm  issue, saying I wanted to get help, to beat it for good, his response was "are you doing it for attention?" Like I'm not a moron. If I wanted his attention I would get it, I wouldn't harm myself to get it, that is moronic.

My brother still didn't come and see me though. I don't expect him to drop his life and come running for me, but he's known for weeks about my situation and said if I ever needed him I should tell him. Today I did, I really needed him here, I was terrified of the fact I couldn't get warm. And he didn't come.


Moral of the story?
I have the luck of the draw! Two psychotic nans who make up lies about me...Maybe its me?


Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx

Storm in a teacup

So now I've calmed down. I know exactly what triggered it. But I don't want to think about it for fear of starting over again. And the thought of this person triggering it is very saddening to me.

Looking back on last night, its weird, like I wasn't really myself, I was irrational, rapidly breathing and not thinking straight. I didn't do it if you were wondering. I managed to swerve it around. Thanks largely on part to my friends. What fabulous people they are. After I had calmed down I decided to take some ibuprofen in the hope it would make me sleep - it did - mid conversation with one of the friends that has supported me from the start. Woke up at 6 am to find my light and laptop still on :/

8 days until I go back to uni. Back home. I cannot wait. For I fear the longer I stay here, the harder it will be to pull myself out of this self destruct mode. It is getting increasingly harder to keep my thoughts on track. When it gets hard I just think about making it back to uni. Its turned into my safe-zone. If I can get there, I can get back to the happy me :)

I saw my uneducated, egoTESTICLE uncle yesterday. Spent the day telling me I was his 'employee' therefore did not need to say please when he ordered me to get him a drink. Apparently employing someone deems manners obsolete. This statement would be dumb even if I was his 'employee'. Sad matter of the fact is I am helping my nan, so if the label would have to be thrown into the mix I would be her employee. Just another self obsessed idiot claiming power through their parents. This didn't bother me so much. Not really. Its one of those *think what an idiot he is then move on with my life* moments. Then he punched me. Hard. Not full force but enough to make my skin sting. Why? Because of a stupid USB memory pen. My granddad asked if it was mine, I said no (having not seen it in years - it was my granddad's)  he looked at me puzzled and I continued on describing it, saying the lid had a neck piece to hang around his neck. He looked at me again and asked where it was (like I said I hadn't seen this thing for years, not since I was younger) When I replied I had no idea, my uncle hit me. How the hell was I meant to know that?! He buys so much electrical crap he can't keep up with it, pair that with my nan's need to throw anything and everything away she can get her hands on  and it's a recipe for disaster.

Moral of the story?
Friends really are the family you choose :)

Much Love

Panda Girl 2 
xxxxx

Its happening again...

I can feel the feeling comeback

i need to

i think i wioll soon

i dont want to

please god i hope i dont.

I want to be normal