Remorse,Shame and Healing

I want to apologise to everyone for how emotionally imbalanced I am. I really feel like i'm on an emotional roller coaster. You cannot fathom how deeply I regret my last post and what I did.

So the previous post I made when I believe I had hit rock bottom. I don't want to go into details of how I ended up there, in case it triggers off another spiral thing.

I didn't mean what I said, or I don't mean it now: about why stop something that gives me so much relief. Maybe at the time it relieves feelings, but I spend weeks feeling guilty and the rest of my life regretting it. The truth is I should have sought help a lot sooner. My friends and family have been fantastic with me this summer, but they shouldn't of had to put up with me the way they did. I should be able to control my own emotions, and I shouldn't of put upon them the way I did.

I haven't had the guts to tell the people who've been helping me through this that I did it again. I told one person, I heard the disappointment in their voice. It hurt me to the core. Knowing that I did that, made them feel that way. Time has come to take action of this problem, to take control of my emotions and my life. In less than 48 hours I will have left almost all of the triggers behind. I'm starting again. I know I can beat this. I have amazing support in my friends and family and soon I will be getting the right help.

My latest relapse has only made me more determined to sort myself out. I owe it to the friends who've put in so much time talking to me about this, to my family for causing them so much distress and to myself so that I can be happy.

On another note, my idiotic uncle was here again, spent the day throwing insults and talking down to me. He even called me back into the room so he could 'dismiss'/'shoo' me away and put his finger on the exact spot he wanted his tea. Tw*t. But I just let it go, and I couldn't feel better for it :) From now on I'm going to aim to let things go easier. I don't want all these pent up feelings of resentment and dislike in me; it brings out more negativity; something that I could do without.

Hoping to try out cognitive behavioral therapy, then I can let you wonderful people know how it works.

Moral of the story?
When you get yourself knocked down, pick yourself back of, dust down, smile, forget the past and move on. This is made a lot easier by having amazing friends - like I do :)

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx