01:50am

I can't sleep. Surprise, surprise. My eyes feel heavy, like they want to sleep, but I don't want to lie down for fear of what will swim through my mind. Its easy to get carried away by thoughts this way. Especially for me. But on the bright side 7 days left until I leave.

I have had somewhat of a rough day. Well, probably feels a lot worse than it is. Mostly based on trivial matters. My nan. Her stupid cafe. I remember growing up thinking that I had two nans (mum and dads mums) but one was there for love, and one cared about the cafe more but she bought us things. We never went without uniform or toys. I am grateful, of course I am, but I can't help but feel neglected somewhat. I don't recall ever spending a lot of time with them; judging this is a good thing.. I don't think I would have wanted to spend more time with them. Well maybe with my Nan, that might have been nice.

Anyway today's trivial matter was this: 'working' in the cafe (flat out non stop for 3 hours) nan tells me to cook myself something, so I do. Then a customer orders what I was cooking, so she gives it to them. Possibly the most annoying thing she can do when either me or my sister are cooking our own food - we cook things the way we want, not pilled up with a load of oiled poured over it - to then have it taken away because she 'needs' it. Or she could just cook some of her own? Like she would do if we hadn't had that particular taste that day? So when she did this today I am mildly peeved. Then She tells me to go fetch the chips, then complains that I shouldn't have because they were left over, so being as there is enough for a meal and they are 'burnt' by my nan's standards, perfect by mine I suggest myself eating them so they don't waste, pointing out she gave my lunch away (this makes her a tad funny with me). Because she's stubborn she then put me a replacement meal to cook. So I went from having no lunch, to having two! Then she spent her time marching between the two kitchens grumbling to herself about how she "can't do it all by herself", she's done this meal and that meal and blah blah blah. She must have done this about 4 or 5 times and I was still biting my tongue. and then she came down into the kitchen where I was eating (yeah, didn't get a break to eat - have to hork it down on the job - not a fan!) and said "you're going to have to give me a hand" at this, I don't know whether it was her tone, or the fact she kept trying to make me feel guilty for eating or what but I snapped. Threw my lunch in the bin. She just looked at me and said "that's disgusting" So I replied that it would have gone to waste anyway and she just went on about it being disgusting to throw away food (normally I would completely agree, but I wouldn't say that to her) so I told her she had to find someone else to work next week. Then she did her usual "oh fuck off, fuck the lot of you, I can't cope with thisblah blah blah" I was this close (-----) to walking off and doing my own thing. She thinks my life at the moment is to slave away in the cafe and then serve her every whim!
We didn't speak for the rest of the afternoon. It was bliss. Not having someone asking me to pass them things every 5 seconds, then telling me off for not doing what I was meant to be. I should mention that when she called me to help when I was eating my lunch - it was for one sandwich. Which even I could have done by myself. I swear she tells me to do these things and the moment I agree she suddenly thinks its a bad idea, then has a go at me for it!

This evening I came upstairs and I was so cold that I climbed into bed. I just couldn't get warm enough. Text my brother asking him to come over (I was scared) and he just text asking what was wrong. Didn't come over or anything. Then I told him that (and I have no idea how to say this without sounding extremely dramatic) I thought I was dying. Not the 'OMG' panic way, but in a way that I felt emotionally and pysically numb. I suppose that is the best way to describe it. So he rings both my nan and my dad and tells them. I know he was only trying to help but neither of them are at the top of my confidant list. My dad phoned and suggested it was the flu, my nan had a little taunt. and THAT is why she isnt on the list! My dad isn't on the list because when I went to him about my self harm  issue, saying I wanted to get help, to beat it for good, his response was "are you doing it for attention?" Like I'm not a moron. If I wanted his attention I would get it, I wouldn't harm myself to get it, that is moronic.

My brother still didn't come and see me though. I don't expect him to drop his life and come running for me, but he's known for weeks about my situation and said if I ever needed him I should tell him. Today I did, I really needed him here, I was terrified of the fact I couldn't get warm. And he didn't come.


Moral of the story?
I have the luck of the draw! Two psychotic nans who make up lies about me...Maybe its me?


Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx