Help is so hard to find...

I think today is something like my fifth day of searching for help... I feel like I need it now... I have phoned my local GP (who were less than helpful because of my uni situation meaning I was registered at the uni doctors not in my hometown) and two counselling services who are local to me and I found on the NHS website. Problem? When I rang both services did not answer the phone so I left a message. I had my second response this morning, the first one being a simple "go through your GP" reply and the second being similar but also telling me that they don't really help anyone over the age of 21. Then the woman stopped and asked if I was in danger of substance abuse, when I said no she then said I would need to go through my GP. But there was a lovely convenient 4 month waiting list. Unless of course I paid.

This left me feeling totally out of control, I mean I was pro-actively seeking help for self harm because I didn't want to do it, so far no one seems willing to help unless I join a lengthy waiting list or pay ridiculous amounts of money that I don't have. If only I had seen this coming 4 months ago, maybe I could have booked in advance?

Today got better; I had a job interview and met up with my boyfriend. Now in my post yesterday I talked about how he hadn't spoken to me since I told him I wanted counselling. Today I found out why; he was waiting for me to go to him, he thought I would talk to him when I was ready!! See how these misunderstandings can effect everything? We went for a walk and I really opened up to him, told him about how I was feeling. It felt really nice just to have someone listen rather than wanting to shove advice down my throat at every opportunity. Having said that, I spoke to a friend about wanting help, he was so supportive it instantly helped; he wasn't dissapointed with me for feeling this way and gave me some good advice, without forcing it onto me.

I think the thing with me is that when something impacts my mood, it impacts it on a massive scale, so something that would normally irritate someone else, it really upsets me and that is when the negative spiral comes into practice.

Similar thing happens with me when I think about my boyfriends family. For some reason I've convinced myself that they hate me (not saying this is fact; again this is just the way I feel!). My boyfriend does have a weird family; but I mean that in a loving way! Kooky and unique, but I love them for it :) We have had our issues in the past but surely that happens in all families? Because I can honestly say how happy it makes me to think of them as family. I would do anything for them, just as I would my own family. I worry sometimes that my shyness comes across as rudeness. I am so shy, until you get to know me really well. So I worry that when I am trying to think of something to say or i'm not saying anything for fear of making a fool of myself that it comes across as rudeness and them thinking I dont want to talk to them. I get a similar feeling when I see people that I grew up with now. I dont speak to them, but that is because I don't feel as though I have anything to say that they would want to listen to. I dont value my own opinion enough to bring it up around people, unless i'm 100% comfortable.

Again I faced the wrath of my nan (she runs her own cafe) she has been short staffed over the summer, so I volunteered to help her (she hasn't been looking for anyone else) and the other lady that works here (another family member - my nans sister) is starting to take advantage of this.... she phoned my nan tonight and said she couldn't make it into work until 10.30 tomorrow morning. When I got home my nan said "don't suppose you'll work tomorrow 9 til 10?" (this was 9.30 pm!!) and when I replied that I already had plans she started to rant at me about coming home late. (I was swimming - 3 doors down... not like I was in the local park with the local chavs drinking!) This would be the third shift I have covered for this other member of family. In 2 weeks. She only works 2 days a week! It seems like I was being punished for her dropping out. It led me to think back a few days to the cafe's busiest day of the week, when my nan spoke down to me one too many times and after hours of taking it I finally snapped and walked off. I heard her lie to my granddad about why she was annoyed at me (she shouted at me because a fax hadn't come through....I know right? and told me to get a grip after swearing whilst charging about the place. She told my granddad that it was because i refused to do washing up....) When I refused to go back down stairs she said "so you're dropping me in the s**t?" I wonder if she said the same to my great aunt, who is having more and more time off.

I know why she hates me... And she does hate me; its clear by her behavior.


Moral of the story?
Just because you feel a certain way - doesn't make it fact! Help is there, you just need to be able to hold out for it.... or be psychic?

Much Love

Panda Girl 2