Just one of those days

Today has been just one of those days that has left me feeling awful. It wasn't helped by yesterday either- that was a terrible day too.

Yesterday I awaited a phone call for a job I applied for... when the guy rang he asked me what I wanted to know and my reply was "Well really what the job entails"... the job I had applied for was something along the female company required (I thought it was either looking after an elderly couple/lady/gentleman and basically giving them someone to talk to...) No... his response? "well basically the job entails meeting up with men for sex" I was literally speechless, I mumbled something about being naive (which was VERY true) said I couldn't do it (wouldn't more like..) and apologised for wasting his time... I have never felt so embarrassed! All this whilst walking around the high town! Afterwards it really effected me, I kept going over and over it in my head... the negative spiral again. Such a short conversation had had such a big reaction from me. I really felt worthless. It dragged up old feelings I thought I had forgotten; Its time to face facts: I am and always will be "damaged goods". I don't see why anyone would feign the slightest interest in me.

Today was better but still not enjoyable, helped my nan, shes full of empty threats and rants about how I don't do certain things to help her; even though I'm stood there patiently waiting for her to give me the next task. I cant win. So I decided to get out of the way for a bit and went swimming. I could escape my Nan and her sharp tongue, but not myself. In the pool all I had swimming around my head was a conversation I had weeks ago when I first told my dad I wanted to get counselling for my self harm. He responded "are you doing it for attention?" Those six little words going round and round my head and I couldn't stop them. It truly hurt when he said that, after I had gone to him for help. Made me feel more alone than ever. I still haven't given in to the urges, my mum has only told me to stay strong, but other than that, nobody really seems to want to talk about it, like its a taboo or something. Either way I still need to talk to someone about it, but I guess now I'm realizing that one of the main reasons I want to go back to uni is to get away from all of this; feeling this way and away from the people that make me feel like this. I want to take control of my own life again, but that is hard to do here.

Moral of the story?
Even damaged goods have feelings...I may act tough and smile a lot, but inside all I need is someone to talk to..


Much love,

Panda Girl 2

xxxxxxx