Supporters who dont understand?

Yesterday I told my dad I wanted to talk to someone at Samaritans. He agreed to drive me in to town to see them. First he asked if we could go for a walk. I agreed and he said he wanted to talk. He asked me why I felt I needed to talk to them. I explained that I felt I needed some advice on what to do next. To this he told me that these people cannot offer me advice, they are there to simply listen, something which he could do. I agreed with him, but stated that it is sometimes easier to talk to someone I didn't know and he seemed to understand this.

We walked and talked about my uni plans (facing more discouragement about going back to study for a masters) and said "I don't see what you have got to be so unhappy about". I felt like crying there and then. I do know how lucky I am, I really do. But it was clear that he had no idea how I feel or why, despite having spent roughly an hour talking about the reasons that I felt trapped. No matter how hard I tried to explain he couldn't understand that, in my case at least, it is my thought process that leaves me feeling like this and is completely irrelevant of what I do or do not have in my life.

Currently I am having some issues with my boyfriend, as an example of how I get worked up into these states I will use this as an example. Four days ago I told him that I wanted to go for counselling for my self harm urges. He asked what had pushed me over the edge. I couldn't bring myself to tell him everything; his Dad had a very bad stroke about a month and a half ago, so his plate is pretty full at the moment. But I havnt heard from him since. I'm being stubborn by not texting him first, but I am hurt that he hasnt text or called just to see if im ok, I dont expect to be his main priority, but he has as good as dropped me since we came home from uni.

Now then; in my head I keep going over what I said to make him act this way, how I could of acted differently to get a different result, what input his family have had on this incommunicado and why he hasn't text. Is he mad? Did I offend him? Does he even care? Then I decide that he obviously doesn't care, if he did he would of checked to see if I'm ok. This then snowballs into questioning the relationship, whether he loves me, if I love him. What I would do with out him, whether I should talk to him or not ect ect.It just gets worse and worse.

I think the problem I have (in this blog I will be talking about my experiences and feelings - obviously everyone is different, so we cannot assume that everyone thinks like I do) is that I get locked into a negative thinking spiral, once i'm in it, there is nothing I can do to break free. Some days I feel on top of the world and the next day the complete opposite.

It is hard dealing with this type of change in mood, and I cant image it is easy for people around me - quite the emotional roller coaster. But I do feel that this is influenced, in part, to the people around me, not understanding me, and making ignorant comments like "I don't see what you have got to be so unhappy about" because that reinforces the negative thinking pattern. My objective is to think more positively, that way I can theoretically break free of the negative spiral easier.

Moral of the story?
Try and think positive to balance out the negative spirals! It will get easier with time, you just have to take it one day at a time. Find someone who supports you and doesn't make you feel ashamed for feeling down, that way you feel more comfortable talking to them!

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx