Wrong timing?

I'm not really sure what I thought I would be achieving with this blog.. I guess I hoped to help people understand thinking processes. But at the end of the day its my thinking process - not everyone will think this way.. I sure hope they don't, lately I've been feeling a little bit of an outsider in my own life. I mean i'm living, but i'm not LIVING. Not in the sense of enjoying my life, feeling happy everyday. It all seems to be blurring into one. I can't wait to get back to uni, if only to get away from here. This place is making me this way. This isn't home, it hasn't been since I was around 12. I feel like a guest in my own home, walking on fragile egg shells and constantly on edge. I can't relax here. Have to have my guard up. Just in case.

I have some truly amazing friends. I have spoken to few of them about this problem, very few. But the ones I have spoken to have been amazing. I wouldn't have lasted this long with out them, truly. Despite this, these feelings just aren't going away. I'm thinking that maybe it is just the wrong time to fight it? I spend all day every day trying to fight it. Now it is exhausting. It is consuming my life. I just can't wait to leave and hopefully get some of my life back! As for now, I'm seriously considering just giving in until I can get away from here. But it worries me, that if I do that, I'll never get the old me back - the one who could resist and did resist. I so badly want to be me again.

Moral of the story?
Having amazing friends is a great start, but the fight has to come from within you!

Much Love

Panda Girl 2
xxxx